Bad Movie Review 17 - Despiser

Last week, Stinky and I were in Ballbuster Video for the first time in a few years, as I had an astronomical late fee (Children of the Living Dead and Chopper wound up costing us about $230). We thought we'd try one of our patented pranks and weasel our way out of the monies owed from late returns, and were all ready for our scam, when the lady at the counter couldn't find my name in the system. She asked how long ago we'd rented there, and Stinky suddenly remembered (rather loudly) that were there renting Invisible Maniac just in 2001.

"Oh!", exclaimed the clerk. "If you don't rent here in three months, your account is purged." Basically, what she meant was that my account's late fees have been erased, and I was free to start anew.

A big smile crossed our faces, as we greedily rubbed our hands and thought of all the new movies that would soon have late fees attached to them.

We scurried over to the new release wall, when a name caught my eye: Mark Redfield. The man who played the zombie Captain in the sequel/remake of Night Of Horror, Curse Of The Cannibal Confederates. Without hesitation, we grabbed it up and brought home the movie called Despiser with high hopes.

The movie is very difficult to review, as with what money the filmmakers (read: Philip J. Cook) had, they (he) didn't do that bad of a job. The film centers around a down-on-his luck guy named Gordon (played by Redfield), who gets fired from his job doing some graphic arts for a computer company. He returns home to find that his rather hot wife (and very good actress, Gage Sheridan), Maggie, is leaving him, to go live with her mother. Driving around, Gordon swerves to avoid hitting a couple of children crossing the road, smashing his car, and winding up in an underworld which is like a parallel dimension of Earth, called Purgatory. Only, this Purgatory is like living in Super Mario World. Everything is rather blatantly CGI, and he is being chased by some cultists in brown robes, lead by an annoying whiny guy who is about as threatening as Eddie Deezen (played by Mark Hyde).

Gordon meets up with a rag-tag group of individuals: a bible-spouting soldier guy named Nimbus; a Japanese zero fighter named Fumie; a British gal named Charlie; and a cowboy named Jake. They basically drive around in CGI cars and blow stuff up. I swear, some of the CGI is actually GOOD, like the black eyes the Shadowman has. Then again, some of them look HORRIBLE, like when there's a close-up of a car speeding, with the "driver" visible, only to cut to the real actor inside, which looks totally different from the scene right before.

Gordon manages to find himself back in the real world, as does the wimpy bad guy with black eyes. Gordon realizes he's been dead for a little while, and his wife sees a jumper outside her mother's ridiculously high CGI window. She tries to coax him down, and we realize it's Wimpy Bad Guy (known henceforth as WBG), and he brings her down to the ground floor the hard way, where she slips into a coma.

Gordon realizes that he has to somehow get back to Purgatory to save his wife and CGI friends (and possibly score with Princess Toadstool or Zelda along the way). When he dies a second time, he finds out that there was an alien spacecraft that crashed a long time ago, and its three occupants died, and were sent there as well. This was a big mix-up, as Purgatory was meant for humans only, so the aliens decided to take over the joint. It's up to Gordon and buddies to put an end to the alien which now calls itself "Despiser", and get back to the real world.

Apart from most of the film looking like a Tom Baker episode of Dr. Who (thanks to the digital video); CGI cars that look more realistic in Grand Theft Auto III; and a totally unscary villain, Despiser has some shots that are actually good. Sure, things get real slow throughout, but you can see that the Director of Photography has a keen eye, and some of the CGI blends together with the live action well.

If you're looking for a really bad shot-on-video flick to laugh at, skip this one. If you're trying to find a movie where the Director did just about everything except craft services (and I'm uncertain if even that is true or not), well-utilizing a couple of thousand dollars for an original idea for a sci-fi/horror/fantasy flick, then give this one a whirl without hesitation.

Big Cheese Award to: Mark Redfield, for proving to us that there is life after Malanowski.

Big Cheese Award to: Mike Cuccherini, the token "likeable funny fat guy" of the movie.

Big Cheese Award to: Mark Hyde, for being the best WBG since Alan Cumming, in Goldeneye.

I give this sample serving of cyber-shiite two-and-a-half cheeses.