Bad Press Releases

I thought I'd do a post poking fun at some of the bad press releases I get sent to me via my M&C email, where I work as the Books Editor. I am constantly being emailed. I get so many requests that it is impossible to remember them, but I can recall the general gist. Much of the time the books are self-published, and I kind of feel bad for these poor bastards actually thinking their ideas are worth publishing.

This is not to say that all self-published books are bad--I've reviewed a couple of interesting ones in the past, but they've all been non-fiction, never a novel. So in light of the upcoming holiday, (St. Patty's Day) I thought I'd try to create some laughs.

Here are some things you need:

1) A terrible, generic, uninteresting title. Something like "Feelings" or "Forbidden Love."

2) A terrible premise with a cliched moral, like "feel good about yourself!"

So, onward already...

This new novel, by Horny Soccermom titled "The Fruit of Desire" is available from VanityPress Publications.

Betty and Hayward share an office but cannot control their lust. He is her boss and she his secretary. Then, on one bright, sunny day they decide to go all the way and engage in the Fruit of their Desire. Passions abound, and things are going perfectly until one day Betty discovers a horrible, painful secret about Hayward's past--events unfold until the very end, where the couple then asks, can they both be happy while eating from the Fruit of their Desires?

Or then there are the spiritual/self-help/New Age crap books. Some are obviously religious and have titles like, "In God's Hands" and others are just "The Teachings of the Buddha" or something dull like that.

This new self-help work, by Insecure Oprah Wannabe, is published by LookatmebecauseImatter Press.

Jane has eaten herself into a corner, yet the corner is too small to hold her imposing fatness. As she tries to cope with divorce and a failing mortgage, she eats herself to death. No man wants her, only the banks do. Will she be able to stay in her home? Her life is doomed. Then, one day, she is visited by an angel who shows her the way. Walk with her on her path to rediscovery: green tea and yoga become her future and ho-ho's her past. "Journey into the Light" is a story of one woman's courage, redemption, and love for herself.

Or then there are the dull thrillers:

Ted Clancy-Sandford has written a nail-biting novel that will keep readers on the edge of their seats, (even if they need to go to the bathroom). "Explosions at Dusk" is the latest work put out by Whoreallygivesashit? Press.

Johnny is a lonesome cop with only one thing on his mind. One night, after being dumped by his girlfriend, he discovers a briefcase that contains a terrible secret about his past. He learns he must return the suitcase to its owner before dusk, or else it will self-destruct. Will Johnny deliver the suitcase in time? Will he suffer the explosion? Watch while Johnny engages in a series James Bond ripoff stunts, as he is pressed for time yet still manages to sniff out the cracks for fresh poon. This action-packed, explosion-filled, car-chasing thriller is filled with lots of busty, horny chicks who want some, but it's a book so not like that matters. But come and join Johnny in his fateful demise.

"Explosions at Dusk" will keep you up for nights and nights! Sleep will be a thing of the past! Your fatigue will thus impact your work performance, and you'll end up getting fired, but then you'll be overwhelmed by such anxiety due to the ailing economy that you won't be able to sleep anyway, so the only thing left will be to get the next book in the series: "Explosions at Dawn."

And that's just some I can think of for now...

Disclaimer: all is meant in good fun and I know not every self-published book is crappy. Just the ones that get sent to me are.