Bad Reindeer

It is the night before Christmas, and all through the night, Santa's reindeer are stuck carrying Old Saint Nick and his sleigh full of toys for all of the good little boys and girls in the entire world to open up on Christmas morning on their annual flight around the globe, as Santa delivers every last toy to every last home, and to pass the time on this longest of nights, they do what any gathering of dudes unencumbered by wives and children would do. They speak their minds freely and clearly. No topic's too taboo, because it's understood that like Vegas, what happens here, stays here, too.

Santa Clause: "On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, on Blitzen!"

Donner: "This job is so not worth an extra 30K a year."

Prancer: "Well, considering we only work one night a year, I'd say we should be counting our blessings instead of bemoaning our fates."

Donner: "Oh, yeah? Well, considering that one night lasts 249 million hours or the equivalent of 28,425 mortal years, I'd say we have every right to bemoan our fates."

Prancer: "It's funny you should bring up mortal years, Donner, seeing as one of the biggest perks of our jobs is that we're immortal."

Donner: "Yeah, and immortality'd be great if we weren't stuck in purgatory for the better part of it."

Prancer: "Oh, quit being so overdramatic!"

Donner: "Well, it's true!"

Prancer: "It is not! We get 364 vacation days a year, and 365 during leap years!"

Donner: "Vacation?! Vacation where?! In case you hadn't noticed, the world's not exactly flying reindeer friendly. It's not like we can just go take in a Cubs game at Wrigley or hop down to Miami and dance the night away with Vida Guerra!"

Vixen: "Donner, you don't even know how to dance."

Donner: "So, what? Neither does Dancer. Can you say ironic?"

Dancer: "My daddy give me that name and kissed me goodbye! He knew I'd have to get tough or die!"

Vixen: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, A Boy Named Sue, we've heard it a million times-literally. All I'm saying is, Donner, dancing is one of the best ways to excite a female's libido. All females love to dance."

Cupid: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not all females love to dance."

Vixen: "Oh, yeah? Who's bedded more does, hmm? Come on."

Cupid: "True as that may be, Vixen, it doesn't change the fact that there are, I'm sure, plenty of females out there who don't love the dance."

Vixen: "How do you know? When we delivered toys last year, did you have Santa leave a little survey in every home, after he finished the milk and cookies that he never shares with us!"

Cupid: "I don't care about the milk and cookies. I'm lactose intolerant anyway. What I do care about is sexism. I was raised by a single mother. I know what it's like out there for females, especially when they have to deal with bucks like you."

Vixen: "Tell me, man, how many does you bag this year?"

Cupid: "That's irrelevant to our conversation."

Vixen: "463. That's my number, man, and I think it's very relevant. At least, that's what Clarice said."

Donner: "Hey, that's my daughter-in-law you're talking about!"

Vixen: "Well, when her and Rudolph were having problems earlier this year, we did the horizontal mamba, except we were standing, and were not doing the mamba, but instead having sex."

Donner: "I'm serious, Vixen! That's not funny!"

Blitzen: "Speaking of Rudolph, I can't believe that punk no showed. Who calls in sick on a job where you only work one night a year?"

Vixen: "Hey, what can I say? The truth hurts."

Donner: "You know what else is gonna hurt? My hoof up your hindquarters!"

Vixen: "Now, that is funny, cause that's how Clarice likes me to do her. She's real freaky naughty, and likes it rough. I guess, it's like father-in-law, like daughter-in-law, huh?"

Donner: "Vixen, at the end of this night one shall stand and one shall fall."

Vixen: "What a coincidence, cause at the end of my night with Clarice, she couldn't stand at all, if you know what I mean."

Donner: "Yeah, you just keep on laughing, Romeo, just keep on laughing."