Bad Waiter, Worse Customer

After a long day of moving, and cleaning out our old house, my girlfriend and I decided to treat our friend who was gracious enough to help us, to a nice lunch at a nearby bistro. After we sat down on the patio of a nice little place in Seal Beach, CA we noticed a pair of grouchy moo-moo-dressed silver haired ladies huffing over their crumb covered table.

Now, Seal Beach is a little yuppie beach town at the northern tip of infamous Orange County. Mid-30s locals pass by quietly pushing their 2.5 children in $300 strollers decked head to toe in earth-toned JCrew attire, the wives with shoulder length organically shampooed hair, then men carrying the weight of a middle-class paycheck and an upper-class mortgage on their docile, down-trotted faces.

As we pissed and moaned about how much we hate moving, we hear a ruckus among the aforementioned silver haired cows.

"Excuse me! Are you ever going to bring me my change?", one cow clamors.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but what change are you referring to?", the maybe 20 year old server responds.

I have to admit, I'm not sure how long this lady had been expecting some change, but I can tell you that I once partially spilled a drink on a customer as a server in college, and compared to that, this lady acted as if this server had sexually assaulted her like Big Ben Roethisberger in a Georgia bathroom stall.

"I gave you $20 and a card. I wanted change for the 20 and for you to charge the bill on my card. Where is my $20?" she screams.

The whole patio is now watching in disgust.

"Oh, well I assumed you two were splitting the bill, so I applied the $20 cash to the bill first and then charged the remainder to the credit car." He calmly explains.

Mind you, this is what any server would do, and this is what the customer should expect unless they ask for something otherwise.

"How stupid are you?!" she continues.
"How hard is it to just give me my change? I've been waiting here 40 mins for my change."

Now this is all getting irritating for people around her. I'm halfway out of my seat to tell her to shut her face, but my legs don't work after moving 5,000lbs of furniture all day, so I foolishly let it continue.

"I'm sorry ma'am I'll get you change." the server says with more patience than I could ever imagine.

"No, I would like to speak to your manager. This is the worst service I have ever had." She moos.

It goes on for a few more minutes, followed by a bunch of huffing and waddling and a couple groans by the rest of the patio, but I think you get the picture.

In a perfect world, everyone on that patio would get up and tell this cow off, or at least put her in her place. I personally, would have loved to see someone hit her with a dinner roll or something, but I'm more violent than most.

Here are some tips for people like our fat cow, and the any other frequent diners, that don't seem to understand how dining out works.

1. If your order comes out wrong, talk to the server with some respect. Just because you're not wearing the name tag you wear to work at that moment, doesn't mean you're better than them.

2. In America, an appropriate tip for good service should be around 18% of the bill. Not 18% of the tax, not 18% of what you liked, and certainly not 18% of zero.

3. Stop asking for free birthday desserts. Not every restaurant is Denny's.

4. Expect to be laughed at when you order a Diet Coke after ordering 2 desserts for yourself.

5. Managers comp things when you complain because they want you to shut up, not because you were right.

6. Order a double if you want a stronger drink. Stop trying to act like a tough guy in front of the ugly chick you brought on a date when you know you have a gift card in your pocket.

7. Discounts apply to your meal, not to the tip.

8. If you're broke, do not go out to dinner. Stay home where not tipping is encouraged.

9. If you're 50 lbs overweight and your table is missing that extra order of fried food you wanted, it was God's divine intervention, not your server's fault. Ask for it to be removed from the bill, but don't act like a jerk.

10. Most of Karma is based on the way you treat other people. So don't be surprised when you get a DUI speeding home to catch your cheating wife burning down your trailer. Just be nice to your server!