Bailouts for Everyone!

I would like to ask the US government for a bailout, in the amount of one million dollars. My home-based business isn't actually failing, but I figure if the government is handing out cash in large sums, I might as well get in line now while the getting is good. Compared to the trillions worth of "free money" asked for by the banks, and the billions in loans being asked for by the auto industry, a million dollars to keep me afloat is nothing. It's the industrial equivalent of pocket change, and I know that the vast majority US taxpayers won't mind handing off a million dollars to me to help shore up my business.

However, there could be certain holdouts (let's call them greedy, bean-counting malcontents) who might ask me to present a case for why I should be given (not to be confused with lent) one million dollars. I completely respect their need for transparency in accounting. (Even if I think the lot of them are soulless penny pinchers who strangle newborn kittens for fun.)

Now, it is true that some financial companies might want to ask for taxpayer money and just spend it however they like. But I'm not like that. No, I have a plan for the money I'm asking for, and what's more, by helping to shore up my business, the whole economy will be strengthened. Yeah, just by giving me a million dollars. Let me explain.

The most important thing for a business like mine is exposure. So at least 25% of my budget will go to marketing. We'll buy roughly one half second of time during the Super Bowl and pray that subliminal marketing works. With another 30%, I plan on attending every book convention in the US for the next two years, where I will attempt to convince real writers that it's a good idea to work for me. I'll need the money to get them really drunk, so then working without an advance and 10% royalties will sound like a good idea.

Once I've trapped enough talent to make a roster of books, I'll take another 25% to release those stories, and another 10% to market them. The last 20% will be spent on copies of the books, to bump up our sales numbers and trick everyone into thinking that we have a lot more sale than we do. Since 35% of that money comes back to the publisher, the remainder will be spent on ale and wenches for the writers, in lieu of advances.

Now, consider how much this helps the US economy. By giving me one million dollars, you ensure that many writers get drunk and receive lap dances next year. In addition to them, at least two cover artists get money, and the makers of Poser are a shoe in to get money to help make our covers scream "talent! We can has it!" We'll be paying the editor, and a whole lot of email spammers. All kinds of web sites will receive money for our annoying, blinking banner ads, and of course, money will go to the makers of the ale, as well as to the wenches. By giving me this money, you aren't just supporting me. No, you're supporting dozen of writers, creative professionals, webmasters, alcohol makers, and lap dancers. It's good for you, good for me, and good for the welfare of our nation.

So...who's with me? Can I have the million dollars, or not?