Bank-in-a-Box: How to Behave at the ATM

The automated teller machine (or money machine) is everywhere. It is virtually impossible to run out of cash nowadays, as long as you have sufficient funds in your bank account.

Forgot your lunch today? Stop at the ATM on the way to work.

Need $20 for the movies or fast food? Hit the ATM!

Gotta have $50 for dinner with a friend? Grab your greenbacks at the nearest ATM.

These ultra-convenient teller-in-a-box units can be found in grocery stores, shopping malls, and even on street corners. In addition, many bank branches offer drive-up ATMs for handy hurried transactions.

Interesting Individuals

Of course, with this banking courtesy, you can always find folks who will act discourteously, thoughtlessly, and outright ridiculously. Here are a few of my favorite examples:

"Not-Ready Nettie"

She pulls her sedan right up to the ATM station and parks. She switches off the ignition in her car. Then she rummages through her purse for her banking card. Next, she opens the glove compartment to look for her little note containing her personal identification number (PIN). Finding it, she opens her window to begin her transaction.

About ten minutes later, she pulls her banking card and her $20 out of the machine. She puts her key back into the ignition of her car, starts the engine, and pulls away, leaving a long line of irate drive-through customers in her wake.

"Chatty Charlie"

This guy zooms into the drive-up lane at more than 45 miles per hour, driving with his knees and talking on his cellular phone. He screeches to a halt, inches behind the bumper of the preceding car, which actually rocks from the wind momentum his car transmits. When his pathway is clear, he pulls up to the ATM and begins his transaction. As he waits, with his car window open, he broadcasts his entire telephone conversation to the tri-county area.

"Broadcaster Bob"

This guy is probably Chatty Charlie's son or nephew. He veers into the drive-up lane on two wheels in his souped-up sportscar with dark tinted windows. Those around can hear a faint rumbling and pounding, as he arrives. Once he reaches the ATM, he lowers his car windows, and regional residents can be certain that it is not an approaching storm they heard, but only his automotive sound system.

Rebecca Re-Parker

This little lady drives a super-sized suburban utility vehicle (SUV). She used to have a minivan. As she arrives at the banking lane, she cranes her neck to see over the steering wheel hub. Suddenly, her vehicle leaps up over the curb, causing a screeching and scraping sound. She turns the wheel sharply, and her car darts to the other side and leaps the other curb.

After eight to ten minutes of jockeying and adjusting, she is able to maneuver her mega-machine in place, so she can perform her banking business.

Rita Re-Sparker

Here is one hot ticket! This is the woman who catches everyone's eye in her vibrant colors and flashy style. If the weather is warm, she drives her convertible sportster with the top down. Her fingernails are long and recently manicured to fine points. Her big hair is styled in a color never found in nature.

She zips up to the ATM, where she leaves her engine running (along with those of all men in the vicinity). She begins punching in her code with the stub of a brand-new pencil, so as not to ruin her nails. Playing to the audience that she knows is watching, she concludes her financial affairs (while perhaps seeking those of another kind). She grabs her key and switches the ignition, again, causing a deafening grinding noise.

Mickie Makeup

Her front bumper is dented, and folks may wonder why, at first. She accelerates unsteadily into the drive-up banking lane. Her car seems to lurch forward and stop, again and again. As she approaches, folks can see why. Her visor mirror is down, with the light lit. She is applying her mascara and lipstick, as she drives.

Line-Hopper Louie

Into every line, a little reign of terror must fall. This guy drives a power-packed four-wheel-drive with oversized tires. His rear bumper sports stickers saying, "Kiss This, Ford Boy," "Truck Off" and "Nice Bass." He bounces across the parking lot, zips around the line of waiting cars and hops the curb to use the ATM. Of course, no one dares to stop him. After all, at least one of the guns in that rack may be loaded.

Beware!

These folks are easy to identify everywhere, in small towns and big cities. Perhaps they have been cloned. Definitely, they should be rezoned, postponed, dethroned, or possibly disowned. But never condoned!

So watch yourself at the ATM. It can quickly become a danger zone!