Bar Etiquette: Top 10 Behaviors to Avoid in a Bar

After spending ten years tending bar, you develop a specific set of criteria when answering this question: do the customers in front of me purport themselves as if they've ever been in a bar before? Outside of being the neanderthal who starts a fight, or being the child that can't hold their liquor or exercise some control in what they drink, leaving them vomiting in the urinal, there are several things you can do that will leave the bar staff saying these words when you leave -- What a JERKOFF!

Consider these examples of bar etiquette your personal social therapist. If you do any of these things, chances are it's out of ignorance. I know most parents don't sit their kids down when they're of age and say "now this is how you behave in a bar." Some of these things just take a little figuring out. And some people don't frequent bars often enough to know any better. We'll try and keep this light and add some anecdotes to make you feel like you aren't the most awful person on the bar scene. But for all involved -- heed this list of Top 10 Things Not to Do in a Bar.

1.) I AM NOT A CHIEF -- ADDRESSING THE BARTENDER

Bars and bartenders come in all shapes and sizes. Some bars are crowded. Some bars are blue collar. Some are sports bars. Some are clubs or lounges. At any of them, please know that if you address the bartender as Chief, Boss, Buddy, Barmaid, Honey, or Sweetie, you have a better chance of getting laid (and people who talk like that rarely get laid) than you have me dropping everything to serve you. Sometimes we have to wait at a bar for our first drink. If it's crowded, the bartender might not see you right away, and if it's empty, I'm wondering what in your psyche makes you think you sound cool when you call someone Chief. I'm not an Indian chief. I'm not the chief of police. I will never play football for the Kansas City Chiefs. I am also not your boss. If I was, you'd be fired. Why is it so hard to have a modicum of patience and to simply ask the bartender's name. A good bartender will tell you their name, but that does not mean you can scream it out across the bar when you need something. Use the three minute rule. If you wait more than three minutes for an order to at least be acknowledged, feel free to call out my name, but do it respectfully.

2.) DRINKING GLEN LIVET AT 21 DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK COOL

They say that what a man or woman drinks can tell a lot about them. For women, if they grab a beer, you consider them down to Earth. If they're drinking wine maybe they're just in the mood or about to have a nice meal. A cosmo might mean they're looking for a nice evening with some meaning. Ten Tic-Tacs or Bubble Gum bombs means their looking for something wholly different. Any way you look at it though, women can get away with drinking just about anything and look good doing it. But in this category, women should adhere to this -- know where you are! I manage an old school Irish Pub. We're not like the cookie cutter crap you see in most chain Irish Pubs that pop up today, but more of an "off the boat" feel. We serve wine, but we serve one type of Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, White Zin, Riesling, Merlot, Cab, Shiraz and Pinot Noir by the glass. I don't mind telling you what kind they are, but don't stare at me like one of the Real Housewives of Beverley Hills if you don't like the brand. YOU ARE IN AN IRISH PUB!!!! Just know where you are before you have a hissy fit. Or, choose your bars more carefully.

Fellas, drink your age. If you want to sit at home and have ten Rob Roys at the age of 25 knock yourself out, but know if you order an Old-Fashioned from a bar at that age the staff has labeled you an idiot. Too each his own you say? Yes. Absolutely. You are entitled to order what you wish and I will make it. But why does it seem that every time a guy orders something older gentlemen drink to try and impress a girl or his friends, or to be funny, he ends up being the plastered jackass at the end of the night, or he sips at the drink as if he hates it. You know why he does that? Cause he heard the name in a movie or on TV or heard his grandpa talk about it and ordered it without knowing what was even in it.

3.) OH YEAH, YOU'RE NOT MY MAID

Short and sweet....I don't care if you're in the middle of the most important conversation in the world when you sit down at my bar. You could be talking to someone that came in with you, or you could be on the phone firming up a plan to bring unemployment down to 2%. I don't care. If you have time to interrupt your conversation to sneak the words, "I'll have a Smithwick's" in, then you have the time to pull cash or a credit card to start a tab out of your wallet. You have no idea how many people I serve who stare at me blankly as I wait for some sort of payment, as if my name was Jeeves and I was serving them on their personal lanai.

4.) I'LL HAVE A GREY GOOSE AND RED BULL

There is a reason that vodka and Red Bulls are so expensive. Generally, the people who drink them religiously are on a mission to pickle themselves. Therefore, at the end of the night, more than likely their tab is going to be so high that they'll blindly sign it as, hopefully, their designated driver is pulling them toward the door. If you leave the tip blank, more than likely, the bartender is filling it in (not saying this is common practice but if you stiff us and you're not gonna remember it, we'll stiff you too) graciously. You could charge anything for vodka and Red Bulls and kids will pay it. But then there are those who drink Grey Goose or Belvedere and Red Bull. Just know I'm charging you at least triple for them. You can't discern the taste of vodkas when you're drinking something which contains taurine, glucuronolactone, caffeine, B vitamins, sucrose and glucose. I hear the comment all the time that they can't drink well vodka because it gives them a hangover. Yeah, ok, you're drinking nine Red Bulls mixed with alcohol and you're worried about the type of vodka it is that's going to make your head feel badly the next day. These are the same people who say, "I can only drink Red Bull. The other energy drinks give me headaches." Ummmm, if any of those people are reading this, know me, and know where I work, you've been drinking F.U.E.L. on the gun for the last two years. Hope your head is ok.

5.) DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIALS?

They say the bar business is recession proof. I completely agree. Although most bars and restaurants have seen decline, and some have unfortunately lost the battle with this economy, some are thriving. Let's face it, booze is great when you're happy, but vital when you're sad. But it's tough for a lot of us to go out and save money at the same time, so everyone is looking for a deal. At the very least, please understand that drinking in bars is an expensive undertaking. It doesn't matter where you are, prices are going to correlate with the cost of living in that area. Be prepared to pay. Do not be surprised at prices. And don't be this example:

Bartender: "Hi, what can I get ya?"
Susie: "What are your specials?"
Bartender: "Well, it's happy hour so everything is a dollar or two cheaper from 4:30 to 6:30."
Susie: "So what's a glass of wine?"
Bartender: "Most are $4 during happy hour."
Susie: "What are they usually?"
Bartender: "$5"
Susie: "What about merlot?"
Bartender: "Same thing."
Susie: "What about Guinness?"
Bartender: "$4 during happy hour. $6 other times."
Susie: "Wow. $6!"
Bartender: "Head into the city where they're $8."
Susie: "So you have no other specials?"
Bartender: "Everything is on special, it's happy hour."

At this point Susie either gets the cheapest beer we have, OR, and you'd be surprised how many times this happens, orders a Grey Goose dirty martini up with olives. Look, if I see a special for $1 Bud Lights and I'm a Miller Lite drinker, I'm switching for the night. I'm not stupid. But come on, if it's going to be that big of a deal, you probably should have just stayed home and kept that $5 under the mattress.

6.) THAT'S IT, $3 BUCKS ON $47?

I'm not going lecture people on how much they should tip bartenders and servers. The standard etiquette is 15% to 20%. If you go lower than that, you have to live with yourself. Enjoy a life of people hating you. There are other circumstances though, and speaking on behalf of all bartenders everywhere I'm going to bring them to light.

-- NO ONE tips at corporate happy hours paid for by the company. Why is this? I hate the corporate world which is why I was asked to leave it four years ago and I'm never going back, but really, is everyone in it a putz? Do you tip at a wedding? As a general rule, if you order something from a bartender directly, whether you are paying for it or not, money should be involved. Throw them $5 or $10 up front, or the $1 per drink method works, but don't be that cheap just because you hate your job and company and want to get every dime out of them you can without spending. Remember, there are other people involved. This goes for weddings and open bar birthday parties, funeral luncheons, showers, rehearsal dinners, benefits, christenings...etc, etc.

7.) STOP TALKING TO MY CUSTOMERS

A lot of people go to bars to find companionship, or because they are lonely and are looking for some conversation. You may have had a rough day and just want to talk about the big game or the weather with anyone, so long as it clears your mind. Please, for the love of God, assess who you are talking to before you fire away. For instance, if you find yourself next to a couple at the bar and you are by yourself drowning the day away, unless they are having public conversation (these being general bar conversations where people are weighing in from across the bar and the bartender is playing ringmaster), then leave them alone. If you overhear it's their anniversary or birthday, wish them well, even by them a drink. However, I guarantee they did not come to the bar that night to make friends with you, but to enjoy each other. And most people in bars, especially during the day and directly after work, are just looking for a little peace and quiet to unwind.

We have a gentleman who comes in our bar everyday named (I'll substitute) Talkin Tim. Talkin Tim is a lifetime caddy at a prestigious club outside Philadelphia and in his 50s. If you are in our bar in the late afternoon, I guarantee you know Talkin Tim. I guarantee you know he is a caddy. I guarantee you know his opinion on the township police, the legality of marijuana, world travel, the history of the Philadelphia Phillies, his criminal record, the many celebrities he is friends with, the thousands of dollars worth of camera equipment he "found" on the street, and are familiar with the terms "Look at the size of it, it's huge", "It's outta here!" and the ever-popular "Bing!" Whatever you do....do not become Tim.

8.) CAN YOU PUT 8 DOLLARS ON THESE 16 CARDS EACH, AND HERE'S YOUR TIP IN CASH

Johnny calls Suzy and says let's go out. Suzy says ok I'll call Jenny. Jenny says yes. Jenny says I'll call Carl. Carl is in. Carl says I'll call Tony. Tony is down. Tony says let me see if Sarah wants to join us. She says I'll met ya there. You choose a place you've been going for years. You know the habit at this place is that you start one big tab and split it at the end no matter what anyone orders. GO TO THE FLIPPIN ATM!!! There is one in most bars! God, I will give you the two dollars it charges you! You have absolutely no idea how annoying it is to split checks on a bunch of different cards. Oh, and on behalf of my servers out there, if you're going out to lunch and sitting at one table and have 10 people, there should be a law that says you're getting one check. If you get separate checks, know the server hates you, and I don't blame her for a second.

9.)HOW CAN MY TAB BE THAT MUCH?

If you are going out with a group of friends and each couple or individual is starting their own tab, DO NOT be surprised when after you order 12 car bombs that your tab is close to $100 even if you only had 3 other beers. "But I got them for everyone!" You don't say? If the order comes out of your mouth, every drink, shot, or bomb is going on your tab! Don't expect that the bartender is going to stand there, watch who you give them to, and divide them up amongst their tabs. Wouldn't you be a little pissed if something you didn't order ended up on your tab? And while we're at it, I know people get caught up in the load and the spur of the moment but before you turn around at 1:30am and blindly order 14 shots for everyone (four of whom left already, three more are ready to vomit on themselves) find out exactly how many are left in your group who still want one. Hopefully, your bartender will call you on this, especially if he/she sees the group is pretty well-oiled. But save the trouble, just don't do that.

10.) I AM NOT KRESKIN

When I am two deep on a Saturday night, and you are sitting with an empty Miller Lite bottle in front of you on the coaster and making no effort to get my attention, I am not going to know you want or need another one. So, when I finally notice that the brown bottle may not have any liquid in it and ask you, don't look angrily at me like I've been ignoring you all night. I'm not clairvoyant. If I was, I wouldn't be working in a bar. Most pubs, bars and taverns have a well on the bar. Place your bottle or glass in the well, and guess what? Like magic, I will know you need another one. Are you finished and want your tab? Put your last drink in the well and cover it with the coaster. Again, magically, a tab will appear.

I understand it's hard to keep all these finicky little guidelines in mind when you're trying to look good, see friends you haven't hung with in a while, find the next future Mr. & Mrs. SoandSo, or just not look like a tool. But lets pick one of these a night on rotation and work on them. Sooner or later, bars will be much more fun, bartenders will be much more happy to see you, and all will be right with the world.

P.S. Little miss 21-year old who comes to a massively crowded bar with her credit card to order one beer and then closes out the tab, and then repeats this process five more times. I haven't forgotten about you. Start a tab!!!

Happy drinking!