Barack Obama: The Messiah? More like Hitler, the Joker, a Foreigner and a Socialist All Rolled into One!

I thought I had voted for the Messiah but as it turns out Barack Obama is another Adolf Hitler who looks like The Joker and is a crazy socialist born in a foreign land bent on bringing down America!

Geez, you spend eight years talking about what a dumbass Dubya is and it turns out the next guy is the anti-Christ.

Of course I'm devastated to learn that the president isn't the Savior. I was sure he was. I remember telling my wife, "We gotta vote for Obama! He's been sent by God to save the world and fix all the shit leftover from the guy God chose to be president back in 2000 when he decided a bunch of Iraqi children needed to be blown up and the economy was just too damn strong."

My wife-not blessed with the same level of faith in the Lord that I have-asked why in the world God would choose a president who would fuck things up the way Number 43 did and then send the Savior to clean it up. Like any good Christian, I whipped out the old "God works in mysterious ways" line and I think she bought it. That's the cool thing about being a strong believer like me-you can explain away all the bullshit by playing the God card.

But now my faith in God is wavering. How could I have been so wrong? Obama is a man? If I'd have known that, I would have checked the box next to "Gramps and the Crazy Broad" back in November.

And now they tell me Obama is not only just a man, but he is really another Hitler! What a bummer.

How could I have not seen it? It was so obvious! Who doesn't think of Hitler when they hear the words "universal health care"? In fact, Hitler was in the process of putting together an excellent health care plan to be incrementally instituted starting with Auschwitz when he met his unfortunate end in the bunker with Eva Braun.

That slick Obama tried to sneak it by us, but there it is in his proposed health care plan. If you look at the bottom of page 526, you will find a paragraph saying:

All people past the age of 65 (we'll start with the white ones) shall be systematically killed along the lines of Hitler's unrealized "Extermination of the Jews HMO Health Care Plan of 1945." We will probably be able to get away with this because we don't need old people anyway. They drive way too slow and they smell.

And now a group of people dedicated to finding out the truth about the president are saying that-like Hitler-Barack Obama is not an American! These patriotic Americans are known as "birthers," which is Stupid Republican for "Stupid Republicans obsessed with making up shit about where Obama was born." Thanks to their relentless drive to make up shit that's not true, we now know that Obama-had he been born outside the U.S.-would not be eligible to hold the office of president.

"I just can't believe I voted for this guy!" I exclaimed. "What if the birthers hadn't made it up and Obama really had been born in Kenya? Then where would we be?" Just the very idea that this guy could have been a foreigner makes me shiver.

As if almost being a foreigner who is just like Hitler isn't bad enough, it also turns out Obama is just like the Joker from the Batman movies. I know this because there are posters of the president wearing Joker makeup (and you thought it was only hockey moms who looked like whores). If you saw The Dark Knight, you know how terrible the Joker can be and if some dipshit loser with nothing to do was able to take a picture of Obama and doctor it up to make him look like the Joker, well then it must be true.

But what really concerns me about that Joker poster is that under Obama's image you will find the most obscene 9-letter word in the English language: Socialism (gasp!). That's the biggie-the socialism thing. Hell, as bad as Hitler was, he was only a fascist. But this Barack "The Joker" Hitler guy is a socialist and we all know what that means.

It means the possibility that no more kids will die just because their folks don't have an insurance plan worth a shit and no more people will be turned away because of pre-existing illnesses. It also means I might end up with a better health care plan than the horseshit one currently provided by my employer. It kind of sucks when you are in your mid-50s and you can't decide whether or not to schedule that colonoscopy because your plan barely covers the cost of the lubricant. Geez, health care for everyone! What a ridiculous concept!

So thank you patriotic nutcases on the right. Thanks for showing me and other misguided voters the error of our ways. Too bad you didn't warn us earlier, because now we're stuck with the anti-Christ as president and the dark cloud of universal health care hanging over our heads.

What a goddamn burden.