Bare Tiddies! Tiddy Bears Exposed

Though you have to question the less-than-subtle Tiddy Bear nomenclature, it's quite a clever cover the Tiddy Bear species has concocted. For who among us has not felt the crushing, chaffing constraints of a seat belt and yearned for some cute, plush, furry, bean-stuffed, teddy bear-shaped cushion to relieve the un"bear"able discomfort?

Alas, it would seem the Tiddy Bears are not as helpful and innocent as they appear.

My suspicions were first aroused after finding out that Tiddy Bear headquarters is located in Scottsdale, Arizona. That's right. You see where I'm going with this.

It just so happens that Scottsdale, Arizona is 587 miles from Roswell, New Mexico. Precisely far enough away to seem unconnected, yet close enough for the stretch to be manageably traversed in a day by the space creatures we know as Tiddy Bears. Indisputably, a scheming, superior intellect was at work in pinpointing the appropriate distance and matching it up to an ideally random and innocuous-seeming locale.

Unfortunately, the Tiddy Bears didn't count on the probing, investigatory prowess of this superior intellect.

Renowned astronomers and astrophysicists throughout history, from Copernicus to Brahe to Galileo to Kepler to Herschel to Angstrom to Hawking (source citation needed), have theorized about an alien race with a genetic predisposition toward frotteurism, sexual arousal from rubbing up against someone. Now, the Tiddy Bears have landed, latched on to our seat belts, nuzzled against our bosoms, and proven them all right.

Frotteurism is a fetish that facilely crosses the line into disorder, as it can prompt those who experience it--human or otherwise--to violate strangers in crowded areas by rubbing against or surreptitiously stroking them. However, in cramped surroundings, like a packed subway train, victims rarely realize they were targeted as unwitting providers of a sexual thrill.

But thanks to some creative marketing and the Tiddy Bears' super-power abilities to remain completely motionless without breathing, eating, or drinking (presumably endowed by our yellow sun), these crafty alien critters are living the perverted dream. All across America, curvy women are willingly strapping Tiddy Bears down against their shoulders and breasts.

The nefariousness doesn't end there, though. Oh no. How are the Tiddy Bears able to enlist humans to assist with marketing efforts like the one linked to in the beginning of this ground-breaking investigative reporting (hello, Pulitzer board)?

My initial instinct, of course, was that the Tiddy Bears have enslaved a handful of women, lording over them with mind-control abilities innate to their little alien beany brains. But shaving this morning, I nicked my neck with Occam's razor... perhaps the Tiddy Bears have simply gotten their paws on some aspiring actresses. Those chicks'll do anything.

Digging deeper, I realized that Scottsdale, Arizona, though not exactly mid-way, is located centrally along the line between Roswell and Los Angeles. Clearly indicative of an established human slave trade route.

I fear the worst, though: that the commercial actresses have uncovered the truth about the Tiddy Bears' purposes. In an almost unheard-of moment of clarity that pierced through their whorish desperation, the Tiddy Bear actresses must have attempted to flee Tiddy Bear HQ prior to fulfillment of their contractual obligations.

Watch the video again. The first woman shown gives a brief testimonial at 26 seconds into the commercial. Notice her left eye. She has quite the poorly-concealed shiner. Not only are Tiddy Bears perverts, they are holding these women captive and beating them into submission. Even small cuddly bears are strong.

The question is, now that the truth is out there--that Tiddy Bears have come to Earth for the sole purpose of molesting our womenfolk--what are we going to do about it? Right now, as you read this, your eyes wide with shock, your mouth agape with horror, your heart pounding with revelation, pissing yourself with epiphany, the Tiddy Bears are sitting around in their Tiddy bars, drunkenly mocking and laughing at us unsuspecting, stupid Earthlings.

I say it's time for a Tiddy Bear-bustin' posse. Who's with me?

(Final note: a special thanks to Michy for bringing Tiddy Bears to my attention. In gratitude, here's a link to the most relevant piece of hers I could come up with, also about getting rid of Tiddies.)