Barry and Abe on the Mall: The Lincoln-Obama Nocturnal Rap

Obama [gazing at the statue of Lincoln] : So, Mr. President, what would you do?

[There is a rumbling sound, and Lincolon's stone figure slowly rises to a standing position. He lumbers from his pedestal and approaches Obama. The stone figure, bathed in celestial light, morphs into human size and form.]

Obama: Oh man. I've been to one party too many. Michelle is gonna kill me.

Lincoln: Your eyes do not deceive you, Mr. President. I'm Abraham Lincoln.

Obama: Now he's talking. This is not good. I wish I could call the Secret Service on my BlackBerry, but I left it on the bed.

Lincoln: You are not hallucinating, sir.

Obama: Okay, I'll humor you...[Obama pokes Lincoln and sees that the chair is empty] Whoa! You really are Lincoln. When the police see you, me, and this monument without a statue, they're gonna have a fit. Let's get out of here.

[Lincoln and Obama begin walking down the National Mall toward the Washington Monument. Lincoln dons his trademark hat].

Obama: Where did that come from? Well, what's a Lincoln fantasy without a stovepipe?

Lincoln [disappointed]: You still doubt me.

Obama: I'm skeptical, but I'll keep an open mind. If a guy like me can become president, anything is possible.

Lincoln: I felt precisely the same way after I was sworn in.

Obama: Folks say I'm cool, but I'm actually a bit anxious. Still, I'm very disciplined. Like you.

Lincoln: Now that's one of the reasons I came down here. I'm flattered that you've studied my writings, but you've developed an unhealthy obsession with me...May I call you Bar-ack?

Obama: Call me Barry. It's easier to pronounce.

Lincoln: Mr. President-Barry-you've gotta stop imitating me. Being sworn in on my bible, eating my favorite foods at your inaugural luncheon, and constantly talking about me is going too far. The Civil War ended over 140 years ago. You've gotta be your own man!

Obama: I hear you, Abe.

Lincoln: Do you even like pheasant?

Obama: It's not bad, but I can't speak for others.

Lincoln: Don't worry about them. You've got enough on your plate as is.

Obama: You said that my obsession with you was one of the reasons you visited me. Was there another?

Lincoln: You looked like you needed some guidance, so He gave me a special dispensation.

Obama: Special dispensation?

Lincoln: Yep. Every once in awhile I get to take earthly form and roam around town. I'm usually invisible to ordinary folks. If they could see me, I'd cause a media circus.

Obama: I've got news, Abe. Every president in recent memory has eventually caused a media circus.

Lincoln: I know. That's unfortunate...I'm visible to presidents who need to see me. I liked Teddy Roosevelt's vigor. He was a lot like you, always exercising. I challenged him to a wrestling match, but all he wanted to do was box. FDR had a good sense of humor. We had a long talk, which ended with him wishing that he had my legs and me envying his approval rating. JFK was a nice fellow, but he ruined the haberdashery business. Nixon was a sourpuss. He talked to my portrait in a drunken stupor, gestured at me with a glassful of scotch in one hand, his other, God knows where. Disgraceful. And don't make me tell you what Clinton was doing when he asked for me.

Obama: I can imagine.

Lincoln: It's good to have imagination. I couldn't use mine very much. I was too busy keeping America from destroying itself. FDR had imagination. I think you've got it, too. Hold onto it, Barry. You'll need it...Hey, wanna rassle?

Obama: Hoops is my game.

Lincoln: Hoops? Oh yes, basketball. I'm still learning 21^st century vernacular. In my day, a hoop was a woman's skirt. And a man wouldn't think of putting a ball through it, at least not in polite company...I'll play you hoops, but only if you rassle me first.

Obama: Agreed.

Lincoln: Now, take it easy. I'll be two hundred next month.

Obama: You don't look a day over fifty-six.

Lincoln: In my day, fifty-six was like two hundred.

Obama: I can lift two hundred pounds.

Lincoln [taking off his hat and coat]: Let's see if you can lift me.

[They begin grappling. Obama puts up a good fight, but Lincoln's strength and skill are too much for him.]

Obama [exhausted and on his back]: Abe, this is the first time anyone has ever pinned me down. My policies are so vague that folks usually stop trying.

Lincoln [gloating]: If I had stopped trying, there wouldn't be a United States. [He picks up a tattered copy of Playboy from a park bench and begins perusing it]. Woo-we! If the Rebs had flooded Union lines with these, you'd all be whistling Dixie now.

Obama: Playboy has good articles.

Lincoln: Many articles, of the feminine variety. If Mrs. Lincoln had caught me with this, you never would've heard of John Wilkes Booth. [Lincoln lights up a stogie]. Wanna see-gar?

Obama: No thanks. I've been trying to quit. If Michelle caught me with one of those in the house, I'd be living in your log cabin. Let's walk this way. I don't want us to be ambushed by the paparazzi.

[Via side streets, Lincoln and Obama arrive at a blighted area, in the middle of which is a basketball court].

Lincoln [sadly eyeing the boarded-up buildings]: This place reminds me of Sherman's sacking of Atlanta.

Obama: America has made a lot of progress, but we've got a long way to go. [He picks up a basketball]. One-on-one, five-point game. How 'bout it?

Lincoln: I never could quite get the hang of this sport. Shaq tried to teach me, but-

Obama [incredulous]: You visited Shaq?

Lincoln: Why not?

Obama: Of all the brothers you hadda choose from, why Shaq?

Lincoln: He's a great, powerful athlete and one of the few people that can make me feel small. It was nice to get a dose of humility. By the way, I liked that reference to humbleness in your acceptance speech.

Obama: I'm honored, Abe.

Lincoln: I wish I had your baritone, Barry. My voice was too crackly and high-pitched.

Obama: Yes, but you overcame.

[Obama and Lincoln start playing. Lincoln puts up a valiant defense but is too awkward and slow for the agile Obama.]

Lincoln [out of breath but delighted]: Who would have thought that less than 150 years after I signed the Emancipation Proclamation, I'd be playing ball with an African-American president in the middle of the night?

Obama: Nobody, sir.

[The weather turns overcast. The sky erupts with thunder].

Lincoln: We'd better hurry back to the Monument. I reckon there's some people that'll be missin' me.

Obama: I'll miss you.

Lincoln: Listen, Barry, I don't have much time. You won't remember I was here, but you'll have a feeling, an inspiration perhaps, about what we've discussed. There's a world of difference between your time and mine, but both have something in common: most folks are good; it's just sometimes they need to be led along the right path. You'll have to find your own. I spent my entire presidency fighting a war that killed more Americans than all of America's other wars combined. If America can survive that, she can overcome anything.