Bastard Buddy Borrows Banned Bike - Busted!

My buddy says, "Let me tune up your bike."

I say, "I can't let you ride my bike."

My buddy says, "Buddddy! I want to tune your bike so that it is perfect for you to ride my best buddy , old pal, and brother like no other."

I say ," I can't let you ride my bike ."

Buddy says,"Look, I'll bring my tools over and tune it up at your house. It won't even leave the driveway."

I say, " You can't ride my bike. If you ride my bike and wreck it you could get killed. If you don't, I would have to kill you for wrecking it. Either way, I get screwed."

Buddy say's ," No worries pal, I don't want to ride it I want to tune it up for you."

I say, "You can't ride my bike, I forbid it. I am going to work."

Then, off to work I went filled with the complete resolution that my bike was not to be even sat upon, let alone taken for a ride by the above mentioned buddy, old pal,amigo, and friend.

I come home to find the bike gone. Of course, I was suddenly filled with astonishment. Yes, the same kind of astonishment you are obviously feeling yourself right now.

But wait! My buddy was gone as well! Bike gone! Buddy gone! Two things gone and totally unrelated because, as you already know, buddy wasn't allowed , nor did he want to, ride my dangablatspaterned ( insert foul words of your choice - strong foul words - HERE!) BIKE!!!

Can you imagine the cacaphonous ear splitting sound my big fat gaping jaw made when it slammed into the floor like a ton of buddy blood soaked bricks upon finding out that my Buddy had been busted big time banging the bad ass gears on my banned for riding bike and at the same time I turned my eyes skyward and with all of the force my soul had left to muster I cried," BASTARD!!!"

It was almost the same sound I made upon realizing that he had gotten the bike impounded. This is bad because as everyone knows, the tow trucks and the tow yards in and around the metropolitan area are owned by SATAN, the supreme embodiment of all things evil. Of course, if he's reading this I'm just trying to say its so nice to deal with a small owner operated operation that doesn't want to eat my spleen, Mr. Satan, Sir.

So, my buddy, the yak sucking puss monger, calls me up from jail.
I say, "Wha-"
Buddy says, "You know, you are real damn lucky to have a friend like me(calling collect, I might add, at $73568.24 per minute). Now I've already told the wife that I'm giving you my tools. They are yours. They are worth two thousand ($2000.00) Dollars. She's gonna give you a bill of sale and a receipt. I just need you to come down and bail -"

Amazingly enough at the same time, the line went dead. I looked up to see his wife handing me the receipt and bill of sale, and I was bathed in an ever so bright and pure white light, as little cherubs and angels wafted down from clouds upon high and sang the most heavenly melody with words that were crafted by prophets and when loosly translated from the original hebrew brought me the devine message that I was to sell those friggin tools for pennies on the dollar and laugh while doing it.

There you have it. I am selling my professional tool box filled with some of the finest tools and name brands that money can buy to the first person who shows up with $300.00 OBO. Over $2000.00 invested. It has to go today so that I can give the money to SATAN and get my bike back.

DON'T STOP READING YET!!!!
I will sell all of my tools and include a $400.00 Clarion sub box with a Rockford Fosgate 250 watt amp -------

ALL FOR $400.00!!! OBO to the first person who says little and places reasonable amounts of cash into my meager palm.

I am desperate so please feel free to waste my time offering $20-$30 dollars. If you get a chance please start dating my sister as well.

If you don't understand this ad, don't worry. You aren't ready for tools and bazooka bass boxes anyway, buddy.

All others
CALL 555-555-5555

Yes I am too upset to punctuate correctly and use spell check. Thank you for noticing. NOW CALL!!!