Bat Boy, Advisor to 15 US Presidents, Dead at 26

The world was shocked this week to learn of the tragic death of Bat Boy, the strange half-human, half-bat, whose amazing story first came to light in the now-defunct Weekly World News. The news of Bat Boy's death has left some shocked, some outraged, and some asking why.

"That such a young and amazing bat person could die so young. It is... unthinkable," said a French government official made up for this article.

"Considering Bat Boy's importance in US policy-making, I find it very interesting that Bat Boy's death should happen in a presidential election year," said fictional CNM political analyst, Morey Stafford. "I'm not saying foul play is involved. I'm simply saying foul."

The rags-to-riches story of Bat Boy has captivated dozens since his discovery in a remote West Virginia cave in the Ozarks by biologist, Doctor Ron Dillon. More amazing than the fact that the Ozarks are not located in West Virginia, the finding of a half bat, half-human child in 1992 made headlines in the Weekly World News around the world.

Despite his humble origins, Bat Boy would overcome adversity and prejudice to become a decorated veteran of the United States Marines and trusted advisor to 15 presidents, in addition to sighting Elvis on five separate occasions.

"Bat Boy is truly an inspiration to stereotyped people everywhere," said Charles Chiropteran, president of the HumanBat Society. "Bat Boy is formerly living proof that if you follow your dreams, your dreams will follow you."

Despite Bat Boy's amazing success, fame had a dark side. On February 27, 2001, Bat Boy supposedly bit a 10-year-old girl in an Orlando theme park. The very next day, Bat Boy issued a press release announcing his support for Al Gore's presidential campaign. The move was deemed a cover-up, and many in the press accused Bat Boy of trying to divert attention from the Florida attack. It was the first bad press Bat Boy had ever received, and it left him shocked and disillusioned.

"Once the press turned on him, Bat Boy never recovered," said a close family friend who asked to remain anonymous. "He had done so much, for so many, for so long. He didn't understand how biting one fifth-grader could undo all the positive things he had done."

Bat Boy went into seclusion in his Beverly Hills estate after the incident, becoming a veritable recluse. His only connections to the outside world were through special phone lines to the Kremlin, the White House, NORAD and Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.

In 2003, Bat Boy seemed back in positive spirits as he announced his candidacy for governor of California, but he simply wasn't the same. When he was unexpectedly defeated in a field that included many other equally qualified candidates, including Gary Coleman of Diff'rent Strokes fame and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bat Boy's downward spiral continued.

Bat Boy's behavior began to become increasingly erratic. He allegedly stole a Mini Cooper and led police on a three-state chase. Although the case was eventually dismissed, Bat Boy was forced to sell his estate to pay legal fees.

In 2006, Bat Boy was sighted atop a moving subway train in New York City. Evidently he had been reduced to living in the subway tunnels under New York.

"The subway tunnel closely resembles the cave he was found in" according to Bat Boy's fictional publicist. "I think it was his way of returning home."

It was here that the body of the decorated war hero and presidential advisor was found yesterday morning. Autopsy reports indicated that Bat Boy died of unnatural causes.

As the nation mourns the loss of Bat Boy, psychologists recommend that it's best not to think of Bat Boy as being dead, but rather to use Bat Boy's amazing life, cut short at the tender young age of 26, as an inspiration for what made-up half-humans can truly achieve through Photoshop.

To learn more about the amazing life of Bat Boy, click HERE.

Source: Wikipedia