Bathroom Basics: Potty Perching

You can tell volumes about a family by the state of their bathroom. And no, I don't mean the inside of their medicine cabinet. I never look there, and if you're a peeker, stop that at once! Frankly, it's just a little creepy.

No, I'm referring to the obvious surroundings. The things that meet your gaze whilst perched atop someone else's throne. ("May I borrow your restroom?" "Of course!") But if people had any idea what goes through my head, they'd never let me in there again.

There, on the side of the tub. A gooey, globby bar of soap with finger marks. You may think they have a toddler, but wait...check out the size of the fingers. How many parents give toddlers free rein with the soap? It's far more likely to be an ornery second grader with a little passive/aggressive flair. He's not allowed to sass his parents, but that boy can teach the soap a thing or two!

You see...? There is method to my madness.

Toddlers who run the show are easy to spot. They have floating toys which are actually designed for bath time, drying in a special bathtub basket. By contrast, toys not meant for the bath, scattered on the floor with half a million little pieces (ala Polly Pockets) indicate the presence of a grade school child.

Are you getting the hang of this now?

A doorknob dent in the wall is a sure sign of a surly pre-teen; and when accompanied by half a dozen wet towels you can rest assured said pre-teen is a girl. One sopping wet hand towel and a pile of dirty clothes? Pre-teen Boy. Their mark is as distinctive as spoor. (Which they are also known to leave behind on occasion. Flush before you sit.)

Finally, is the bathroom environment a cloud of perfume so dense it appears to be a smoking lounge? You've entered the domain of either a teenaged girl or a really old lady. Look for a film of hairspray stuck to the walls and ceiling in the vicinity of any mirror. If it's coupled with bubble gum flavored lip gloss or curling iron burn marks on the counter, slam dunk! There's your definitive answer.

It's amazing what you can discover while perched on the potty. The next time you're in someone's bathroom, keep your peepers peeled. There are far more clues than lifted toilet seats, you know. It all depends on the size of the finger marks.