Battle of the Crazy-Assed Christians

In this wacky world into which we have been tossed, dazed and confused, many individuals look to religion as a source of comfort. As someone who is able to deal with life minus the need of knowing why we exist, whether or not there is an afterlife, or what exactly Jesus would do, I look to religion as a wonderful form of amusement. And I particularly enjoy the crazed ravings and naughty actions of many of our most prominent Christian leaders.

The list of nutcase Christian ministers is endless, so I have narrowed it down to ten of my favorites. To honor the late Jerry Falwell, the Supreme King of Crazy Christians who delighted us with his personal battle against the most evil of all Teletubbies, Tinky-Winky, I have created an award in his name.

See which of these fine gentlemen will win the coveted Jerry Falwell Crazy-Assed Christian Award.

Oral Roberts

At 90, Roberts is only a few years younger than John McCain, but he still occasionally comes up with some good stuff. His best, however, came a couple of decades ago when he told his flock that God had talked to him and said that he would whack Roberts if he didn't raise $8 million by May of '87. Wow! Who'd have thought God was little more than an all-knowing, all-seeing version of Tony Soprano?

Pat Robertson

When it comes to spewing outrageous crap from the old pie-hole, few men of God come even close to Robertson, and his nutty statements are far too numerous to list. Just a few goodies:

"Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

"[Feminism] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

"If the widespread practice of homosexuality will bring about the destruction of your nation, if it will bring about terrorist bombs, if it'll bring about earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor, it isn't necessarily something we ought to open our arms to."

Any man who is that anti-woman and that homophobic has got to be struggling with one raging drag queen just dying to get out. It's OK Pat. You're here, you're queer, get used to it!

Ted Haggard

Haggard made headlines when it was revealed by his former "masseur" Mike Jones that he was rather fond of putting his naughty bits inside "masseurs" named Mike Jones. And just to spice it up, Haggard did it while high on crystal meth. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Haggard, a married man with children, is an outspoken opponent of same-sex marriage, because, as he himself has shown, there is nothing as sacred as the bond between a gay man and a straight woman.

Paul Barnes

Not to be outdone by Haggard, Barnes, another anti-gay evangelical minister, was forced to resign from his church after confessing that he had engaged in playing hide the salami with individuals of the male gender. Barnes claimed that he had "struggled with homosexuality since [he] was a 5-year-old boy." Sounds like he eventually got the hang of it.

John Hagee

The round mound of stupidity has been barfing up some really good ones lately--statements that would piss off a so-called "loving God."

"I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that."

Hagee also suggested that Adolf Hitler was God's way of returning the Jews to the Holy Land.

I guess causing the suffering of thousands of innocent children in order to punish the sinners of New Orleans and allowing the maniacal extermination of millions of Jews so that the survivors would return to a specific portion of the earth is nothing more than God's "tough love."

Rod Parsley

Quickly becoming one of my favorites, Parsley, like Hagee made McCain run away as fast as he could (which at 98 years of age isn't very fast) with oral defecations like this:

"The fact is that America was founded, in part, with the intention of seeing this false religion [Islam] destroyed, and I believe September 11, 2001, was a generational call to arms that we can no longer ignore."

The nice thing about all of this is that Parsley and Hagee can now wear matching "I'm with stupid" t-shirts.

Lonnie Latham

Yet another anti-gay preacher who happens to be gay, Latham was arrested for "offering an act of lewdness" to an undercover cop. The "act of lewdness" was not specified; but since the police officer was male, the guess would be that it involved a facial orifice and a protuberance from a genital area.

Kent Hovind

Hovind calls himself a "Young Earth Creationist" and claims that dinosaurs and man actually existed at the same time. He also believes that some dinosaurs are still walking the earth. And these are some of the saner statements he has made! In fact Hovind is so "out there" that he actually makes other creationist nutballs sound like they know what they're talking about.

Peter Popoff

For years, Popoff had been "healing" folks with his "Miracle Spring Water," which he also offered to his dimwitted followers via infomercials. When it was revealed that the amazing liquid was little more than tap water, Popoff started offering--I'm not making this up--"Miracle Manna Bread," which I understand goes really great with his "Miracle Peanut Butter" and "Miracle Jelly."

Joe Barron

What would a list of Christian ministers be without a pedophile? Barron, a 52-year-old Baptist, was recently arrested after attempting to meet a 13-year-old girl he had chatted with on the Internet. Turns out the "girl" was actually an undercover cop acting as part of a sting operation. The bad news is Barron is a pervert; a web-cam was found in his car. The good news is that he is a responsible pervert; a box of condoms was also confiscated.

And the Jerry Falwell Crazy-Assed Christian Award goes to...

Pat Robertson for the following comment:

"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians."

If what you say is true, Pat, you can't really blame us. We are only doing it because God wants us to destroy you.