Battling Low Self Confidence

I was picked on when I was in elementary school, middle school and beyond. Being the slightly chubby kid who was bratty, lied a lot, and never quite fit in, I was a pure target for bullies. It sounds cliche but it was a huge determining factor in my current lack of self confidence.

I was called horrid things, and I never truly believed them, but they did manage to destroy any chance for me to build a proper and self sufficient confidence about myself. It has greatly hindered my abilities to believe in myself and pursue things without question.

Battling low self confidence is an extremely tough road for children, adolescents, and adults. Bullies have become extraordinarily mean and the pressures from society to become a cookie cutter mentality have left those of us with quirks out in the cold.

Over the years, I have come to accept that I'm not like the rest of my peers. I'm clutzy, overweight, super independent and opinionated, yet I look for my self worth and affirmation through everyone else instead of through myself. I have become what I dreaded: someone seeking acceptance.

Despite my battles with the bullies when I was younger, I was determined to not care what others think. I pushed on and did things that most never do in their lifetime, but along the way I always questioned myself and what others would think.

Since losing my husband to cancer, I have been thrown into a new world. A world insecure with my husband's hugs and kisses to make everything better. Like a child first leaving home, going from married to widowed comes a huge hurdle of questions and decisions to make. You never feel confident in any decision you make because you no longer have a second party to help you make the decision. I became reliant on my husband's opinions in the choices for our life, and now I am left without.

I try daily to make decisions for this new life on my own, but always find myself second guessing everything. This comes not only from my grief, but also from my low self confidence. I find it difficult to see myself as a self secure independent woman, but many see me as that, and always have.

As most people with low self confidence do, I have learned well to put on "the mask". You paste on the pretty smile, the boisterous conversation and become the life of the party. However, you always watch how people are reacting to your decisions, to your clothing, to every move you make. It becomes exhausting.

The older you get, the less you care I have found. While I still battle daily with a lack of confidence, I have come to learn that it doesn't really matter. I am a grown woman who can make her own decisions regardless of what others thing.

Whatever age you are, know that if you are battling a lack of self confidence, you can push forward and still become a confident person. The phrase 'fake it til you make it' sometimes holds true, but sometimes you just have to push out the negativity and trek through the pain and hurt to find your beauty. It may not be of the cookie cutter variety, but there is such a beauty in being solely self confident in the package you bring to society.