BDSM 101 - a Kinky Scene Negotiation Guide for Submissive Men and Women

You are new and excited about your new lifestyle. Now you have turned into Pacman and all you want to do is gobble up all the information, meet as many people as possible and play with as much of them as you can. Yes, you are scared as people talk about things that sound a little strange to you, so instead, to make sure you don't retreat, you make sure that you don't talk to these people you don't really know about what they are thinking of doing to you. You have a safe word so you should be okay, right?

No, no, no, no, no. I will come to your house and tie you up, so you can't go and play anymore. What are you thinking?

There are responsible ways of approaching a scene. Let's suppose you have already vetted the dominant and you are fairly sure he has a good reputation and you won't be abducted. You have also looked through his toy bag to see what safety equipment he has. You are fairly sure he is safe to play with. You have no idea what flogging means and you have no idea what electric play is. This is what he is planning to do. You, on the other hand, are excited about wax play and a good solid paddling. He does not know this about you and you have no idea whether you would even enjoy the scene he has in his mind. Do you see how this could be a disaster?

What you need to do when you make a play date, is to sit down and discuss his favorite activities and what he is thinking of doing with you. I do not mean that he has to explain in detail what the scene will look like. What he has to do is inform you of the activities he's got planned, what they consist of and the risks involved. He also needs to make sure that none of these activities are on your hard limits list. There is such a thing as a kink list and most of the bigger BDSM sites all have one. Print one out and do the whole thing with your prospective dominant and make sure you talk the same language.

Now that you know what he is planning and you agree, you need to discuss his requirements for you and how he wants you to fulfill them. Make sure that you ask for clarification if you do not understand and ask him what exactly it is that excites him in having you do what he is asking of you. The better you understand each other, the better the experience will be and you might even find a regular play partner or relationship in this way.

You need to clarify whether sex will be part of the scene or not, as some dominants would not even mention this in their discussion of the scene as it just seems like a natural conclusion to them. Make sure that this is not expected. If it isn't and you want it, you could also clarify that with him. Remember that BDSM does not equal sexual intercourse to quite a lot of people.

Also discuss the safety requirements and which of them would be your responsibility. Make sure that both of you have people that know where you are just in case something does go wrong. Establish the venue and make sure you have the directions. Get there in time, relax and enjoy and after the scene enjoy the after care that any good dominant should be providing. See how much better that was than rushing to something you are not even sure you will enjoy?