BDSM: When is it Kinky Sex and when is it Abuse?

One of the biggest myths about BDSM is that Dominants are just abusive people using the lifestyle as a means to make excuses for their behavior. While this is not the case for the majority of people who enjoy the lifestyle, there are those who do hide behind "kinky sex" as an excuse to abuse their partners. It's not always easy to tell, however, who those people are until it's too late.

One way to tell that a kinky relationship has crossed the line into abuse if the submissive visibly fears their dominant. Fear should never, ever play a part in a good D/s relationship. If there is fear of the dominant, then there is a reason for it. In a good D/s relationship, no will always mean no, stop means stop, or whatever variation of safe words are used. If a safe word is agreed upon then ignored, the dominant is violating the wishes of the submissive and is, without question, abusing them.

Another sign of an abusive D/s relationship is, much like in a non-kinky relationship, an uncontrollable temper. If a dominant can't control themselves, how can they control another without going too far? A dominant with a bad temper can cause more than just physical harm to a submissive, they can inflict mental damage or teach the submissive that this is how they should be treated.

BDSM relationships are consensual, but if a submissive finds themselves with an abusive dominant, they may find that their activities are no longer consensual. If a submissive doesn't consent to the play, then the dominant is abusing, if not raping the submissive if it goes as far as non-consensual sex. Beyond that, any play that goes beyond an limits of a submissive, whether they are discussed or not, is abusive to the submissive. If play is not enjoyed by any involved party, it is abuse.

If you see a submissive who exhibit any sort of sign of abuse, then it needs to be addressed directly, especially if they don't seem to realize that their relationship is not what a good D/s kink relationship should be. Often times, an abused submissive does not realize that they are being abused, as far too often an abused person has never known a relationship that wasn't abusive. Abusers prey on the naive, untrained, inexperienced submissives, thinking that they will believe that nothing is wrong.

If you know someone is an abuser, then you should try to get them to seek out help. If they don't want help, then try your best to watch for warning signs of abuse if they get involved with a submissive. If you are part of a lifestyle group of any sort and know of an abuser, make sure the group knows as well, so that they are aware of the potential problems to look for signs themselves.