BDSM Safety: Using Safe Words

Have you ever been in the middle of some hot sex and all of the sudden it goes to far? You tell your partner to stop or say no and they listen (or should at least) and stop. BDSM scenes work much the same way, but in some cases no and stop don't truly mean no or stop. This is why a couple needs to have a discussed and agreed upon safe word.

A safe word can be just about any word, but it can't be something that is commonly used during play or it will cause confusion. It has to be agreed upon prior to the start of any scene an both parties need to understand that using the safe word is the only thing that will stop the scene. It is common for a submissive to protest during a scene even when they want to continue, so having a keyword guarantees that all the involved parties are fulfilled by the scene without it going too far.

For instance, if a scene involves heavy spanking or flogging and the submissive begs the dominant to stop but doesn't use the safe word, it is known that they don't truly want the scene stopped. But if the chosen safe word is 'apple' and the submissive yells out apple during the scene, the dominant knows to stop immediately. In some cases, a couple will have two safe words for a scene, one for a full out stop and one to lighten up some, but continue.

Safe words not only protect the submissive, but they also protect the dominant as well. Sometimes a dominant can go too far with their submissive without realizing it, especially when it comes to someone who enjoys pain. If a submissive enjoys and wants pain, the dominant will give it and not always know just how much is too much, especially with mind and bodies natural response to pain being 'no', 'stop', or 'ouch'. The only real way for a submissive to communicate their true desire for the scene to stop or at least lighten up, is by use of their safe words.

Safe words are not, however, a fail-safe means of preventing a scene from going too far. The dominant also needs to be aware of their submissive and their limits and reactions. A submissive, if the scene is deep enough, can lose themselves in the scene (subspace) and not realize how far the dominant is going. If the dominant isn't aware of their submissive and goes too far, they have crossed a line from kink to abuse and in the end, lose their submissive's trust.

All in all, any sort of D/s kinky scene, no matter how harmless it may seem to the dominant or submissive should have some sort of decided safe word. It protects everyone involved in the scene and safety needs to come first, above all else.

Safe. Sane. Consensual. Not just words, but a motto to live by.