Bear Grylls: Bad Ass or Ass Bad?

Man Vs. Wild is one of those shows that is sort of like a nasty car accident on the highway. You don't want to be a rubbernecker, but you can't help but to feel a primal urge to see a little blood and gore. Sometimes, I'll admit it, I watch Man Vs. Wild in the hopes that this will be the time that Bear Grylls gets himself into a situation he can't resolve, like maybe a grizzly bear will rip off his face or he'll be telling a story about how to eat bugs to survive and then, suddenly, he's just gone, falling over a cliff that snuck up behind him. [There was one episode where that kind of happened, and it was AWESOME.] It's not that I want Bear Grylls to die, but kind of, I do. I mean, better him that me.

Maybe that's why Bear Grylls is so popular in his show Man Vs. Wild and the U.K. version, Born Survivor. We, the viewers, get to be cushy and comfortable in our nice little houses on our nice little couches while that crazy S.O.B. braves the jungles of Vietnam, the freezing temperatures of the Arctic, or the vast expanses of Big Sky country in Montana. Sure, it kinda looks like an adrenaline rush and maybe even fun in places, at least until he starts eating bugs and worms... yuck! If Bear wants to go out there and risk his life, we say "Cool", but we're still safe and snug on our couch. We get the vicarious thrills and popcorn. He gets the bugs and injuries. Plus, it's cool to watch him puke.

Whether or not you think that Bear Grylls is a fake, and lots of people do, you still have to admire a guy who can go on the Conan O'Brien show and talk about diarrhea. And even if you think that Bear Grylls is a fake, you have to appreciate a man who has made a living out of eating gross shit in front of a camera crew! I mean, have you ever squeezed the guts out of a caterpillar into your mouth and lived to tell about it? Ew!

The thing is, love him or hate him, Bear Grylls is actually a real person. He might be annoying, a little bit stupid, and miraculously able to survive seemingly dangerous situations, but he's also a loving husband to his wife, Shara, who has born him three sons. They live, according to his bio on discovery.com, in a "converted barge on the River Thames." How cool is that?

Imagine that: 3 mini Bears running around somewhere in Britain. Imagine the possibilities once the kids are a little bit older: The Bear Grylls family vacation: Watch Bear as he fights the gorilla who kidnapped his youngest son, Huckleberry (his real name). Watch Mama Bear, Shara, kick some Baby Bear arse when her oldest son, Lingonberry (not his real name) teaches the middle child how to smoke a joint. I mean, come on, Bear Grylls is growing his own personal army of adventurers!

[ Bear's kids names are Jesse, Marmaduke, and Huckleberry.]

Still.... is Bear Grylls a fake? An article by Andrew Wallenstein from July 2007, 'Wild' Grylls Not So Manly Afterall?, says yes. The article reports that Bear Grylls was known to have been staying in a motel on the nights that the series depicted him roughing it in the wild. Does that lessen his credibility? Sure, I guess, but you did realize that Man Vs. Wild is a television show, right? Is everything on television real? Definitely not! I mean, even reality television shows don't depict any sense of reality as I'm familiar with it. As the vote mentions in that article, dude eats zebra carcasses. Enough said! It's entertainment, baby!

This article further elaborates, but judging by the comments on the article, most viewers don't really care. The point isn't to watch some dude surviving in the woods, that's what Survivorman is for (which sucks, by the way), Bear Grylls offers survival tips. Okay, so when you need to cross a lake in Big Sky country, you might not find a conveniently-located abandoned canoe to fix up, but let's be honest: how many of Bear's millions of viewers are actually going to find themselves in a survival situation anytime soon?

Besides, do you really think that the Discovery Channel is going to let the host of their most popular show perish in a jungle somewhere if they can help it? Hell no! And will the insurance providers for the network let Bear Grylls do stunts without proper safety equipment? I sincerely doubt it.

Want to learn more about the Bad Ass Bear Grylls? Check out his website, http://www.beargrylls.com/, and his blog, http://beargrylls.blogspot.com/. Bear's posts are often thoughtful and intelligent, which surprised me a bit... but not really: guy has to be smart to have his kind of success! (I mean, his episode where he made a shelter out of a camel carcass made it to an episode of the Family Guy. Now that's big time!) You can even follow Bear Grylls on twitter: http://twitter.com/beargrylls, which is how I know that one of his most recent injuries occured when he got hit in the face by a camera. Angry camera crews, anyone? Also, do you think the camera guys ever have to eat bugs?