"Beater Cars"...What's Not to Love? a Funny - Most Embarrassing Moment - Luckily Nobody Saw it !

I have always loved cars. I love nice cars and I love junky cars. I've always owned what is known as a "beater" to drive around in - usually this car gets relegated to the unglamorous jobs, like hauling pets to the vet, hauling junk to the dump, or even driving out in a field just to have fun! When you have a junky car that is somewhat dependable, it can be a liberating vehicle to drive. You don't have to worry about door dings, scratches, or any other calamity that may happen. In fact....you can frighten other "nice car owners" as you park right next to them. I must say right now that I respect other's property and would never damage another person's car in any way. But it can be fun to see the frightened expression on their face as I roll up in my rusted out Oldsmobile and park right next to their Mercedes.

My favorite "beater" cars are the full size General Motors cars from the early and mid 1970s. The big old boats like Buicks, Oldsmobiles, and Cadillacs. These are practically tanks for the masses, nearly indestructable and unstoppable. They offer tons of room, as well as tons of steel, and ride like a cloud down the road.

I'm always bragging to friends and relatives who have nicer cars, how capable my old beater car is. I had an old 1974 Buick Electra 4 door, 455 engine, all options, and in pretty rough shape with 145,000 miles on it. But the old girl always started and ran great. The power and torque of this old "land yaght" is unmatched by todays cars. The car's biggest problem was that the steering column was worn out and very sloppy. This "sloppy" steering column had worn through some wiring, this was to play a major role in what happens later on.

We had just bought a house on lakefront property, that was neglected by it's previous owner. The house was situated on a hill, with the back yard sloping down to the lake. The yard was huge but had lots of weeds, brush, and was very jungle-like. Also there were a bunch of large rocks down by the water's edge that were a vain attempt at land scaping, they just looked aweful.

I wanted to get rid of these rocks, but I didn't have a pick up truck. Then I thought..."hey, why not use the Buick to haul those rocks out?" It certainly had the power! So backed the car down the hill (which is quite steep) to the water's edge. I then opened the trunk and proceeded to fill it with the rocks. I finally had the trunk full, and the car squated dramatically under the heavy load. It was never designed for this work, but I knew it could do it. Besides I could brag to friends and relatives later on that my old trusty "beater" hauled all those rocks out!

So here we go.....I hop in the car and tried to start it, but it wouldn't crank over. I wiggle the worn out steering wheel and voila! It fires up! I put her in drive and start lugging up the hill, very slowly so I don't spin the wheels and lose traction. I"m about three quarters the way up the hill and feeling very confident...when suddenly the engine died !!!! That darn steering column was so sloppy it had worn through the ignition wiring in there, and the must have grounded it out! So once the car died....it started to roll backwards! I tried to put it in "park" but this only resulted in a terrible grinding sound but the car kept rolling. So I turn the key and nothing, than back to park.....grinding....try the key....nothing.....back to park....grinding....you get the idea! After just a few seconds I'm starting to get quite a bit of speed up.....at this point I let out a scream (grown man in his 30s) that would put a 12 year old school girl to shame!! All I could think of was the car crashing into the lake and creating a Tsunami that would certainly wash over to the other side of the lake! I'd surely be featured on the 6 O'Clock News! Finally in desperation, I steer the car into some small trees to slow this "frieght train" down! As I hit the trees, the car jolted severely but didn't stop. The next thing I saw was the trees flying over the top of the car and landing in front of me! The car was shearing them off at ground level and they went straight up into the air, the car went under them, and then they landed on the ground with a "thud"! Finally after mowing down what seemed like a small forest.....the car came to a rest. I sat there shaken....hoping nobody saw what just happened. The water's edge was only about 20 feet away, too close for comfort. To add insult to injury...upon coming to a stop...the car then started up immediately! I muttered some colorful language at this point - but I won't go into details.

It's funny to think back on that moment now. It was a scene straight out of a movie, but it really happened. Suddenly I knew how Whiley Coyote felt in those Road Runner cartoons when one of his plans backfired!