Beautiful Dreamer

Why do we all fall down? Because of gravity. But seriously. We have all fallen short of the Lord's wishes. But it sure felt good didn't it? Doctors will even tell you sex even outside of marriage, in a committed relationship is good for you. Really? I thought that was a sin. Jesus says don't worry about what you eat. Yet doctors tell you to eat this or that. My grandfather lived to be over 95 and he ate grilled cheese and hotdogs every day. He always lived an active lifestyle. Doctors tell me I need to feed my brain with Omega 3 and protein. Sometimes I get my protein from vegetable sources. Lentils and brown rice. Special pasta with lentils and chickpeas and flax seed oil. Get those B's. I max out on vitamins. And I'm humbled by God's wisdom. I sweat up a storm at the gym. I cut back on coffee. Way back. I don't need caffeine to entertain me. I lost 41 lbs in about two months. I intend to live a healthy lifestyle.

I know I am sensitive and need to rest. I need to withdraw from the hubbub of life and take a break. Even prophets retreated to the wilderness for communion to God. My troubled past whispers to me to be afraid. I read "Love Poems from God" It lifts me up. It does more for me than any medicine or therapy ever did for me. I read the Bible and have faith Jesus saves. I know he can heal me. My faith will set me free. I have prayed for women who had cancer and one had endometriosis. Last time I talked to one of them, they were getting help. Sometimes we need to rest on God's huge shoulders. Nothing is as bad as we make it out to be. I hate being talked about. Yet I want to be important. I found out I was a genius. And the best I can do for people is pray with all of my faith and hope.

It has done more than any bomb I could invent. Walking in faith can be a humbling experience. You see how great God is. And how little you are. You realize all your overpowering feelings are just that. Emotions in your head. Being sensitive makes me feel strongly. I guess alcohol would dampen some of that. But then I run the risk of being a wino. Sometimes its like having raw nerves exposed to the air. Awful painful, and all you can do is accept you feel like shit to not be overwhelmed by it. Studying enlightenment has helped me greatly and I want to help others. That's what the Bible instructs us to do. It doesn't run from enlightenment. It says it is a stepping stone to Heaven on Earth. We all need food, shelter, and clothing, but we get sick when we obsess about having it all and even become depressed and suicidal when we don't get it.

I grew up with so much stuff, we never had a place to put all of it. Recently I collected lots of books. But I try to keep them shelved. At least they were free and needed a good home. Now I sell them on Amazon to get them to people who can use them. It's not really a money maker but it feels good to know that our friends the authors will be read again. And it's recycling and they make good gifts. It's amazing what giving a friend a book about her Irish heritage can do for her glum life. And my one friend always claimed people were so rude. So I gave her "A Surfeit of Honey" about how materialism has worn away at our manners. And its true.

People are ruder. We just don't see manners on TV. We see snappy comebacks and girls getting half naked. But we don't see family values or good old fashioned manners. People want to know what they can get. Not what they can give. I weigh too much because men grab at me and never treated me right. But I am going to get through my harsh past and lose weight and get healthy and to hell with what men want. I'm not their slave. I'm not some nymph. If they can't handle a relationship they can take a long walk. I'm still a virgin for crying out loud because of this same old same old bullshit.

Tramps give the rest of the girls a bad name. Men know they can get some easy sleazy sex, so why bother with a relationship. So we have to be on our toes all the time and extra successful because their such losers. I always wanted a romantic relationship. But the most I could get was some peanut M&Ms and a guy grabbing at my bazookas. It's just not fair. Other girls get courted. I feel like its time to pull out the mace. And then I got the swell nickname of a girl named Jennifer Lopez. They call me J-lo all the time now. Great, I get compared to a famous person and its hard to get called Jaalah.

So I go to the park to nurse my wounds and wonder if I could ever love someone who is attracted to me. I like torturing guys who really just want to be my friend. Like calling them shallow jerks to make myself feel better that they can't love me. And then I don't trust guys who are instantly attracted to me. I want to take it slow. And I always feel like they want to move right for the prize.

I really do want to be pretty and successful and all that. So why do I get stuck in this negative fears and doubts? Is it some major malfunction? Some overwhelming fear? I do know that I am loving. I just don't like the way people hop from lover to lover. There's no commitment. And you shouldn't have to be committed to a mental ward to want true love.

True love. Isn't that an archaic term these days. Now its hookups and bootylicious and what have you. "I don't think your ready for this jelly." And that's from a Christian artist? Yikes.

What ever happened to undying devotion and having a man fight for your love? Now that's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. But no, we end up fighting with our loves and wonder what went wrong. You have to have expectations. And yet be flexible when he does try to please you. And you need to be good to someone when they're trying to be good to you.

I was so horrified in the 90's when young kids were getting messed up on drugs. Even harder drugs like the heroin epidemic. But promiscuous sex leads you down the slippery slope of drugs. Women generally aren't made to be promiscuous. Unless your gay of course. Then I don't know. Maybe its different for women who like to act like men. I just wanted to be a writer. And I guess I could always report on things. Like the fact that men who are in good relationships are usually healthier, happier, wealthier and have more sex than their unmarried counterparts. Now I know there are some happily single men. But I don't know. I get lonely and I don't want to be treated like a hoochie mama. So I keep my legs closed.

It's not that I couldn't have sex. That's just it. When you're a big girl, most men Just want sex. They don't get emotionally involved. They don't want to marry you. Or care about you. They just want wham bam thank you Mam. And then they'll leave. I got offered to have lots of sex with this guy who liked big women. And then he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Horrors. Don't waste my time. I'm very emotional. I don't want to be emotionally involved with a scoundrel.

It hurts that men are so oversexed they don't want a relationship with me. It's not all men. But the ones I care about are usually just friends. I guess the church was right. I have to realize that 80% of people will become unacceptable possible partners. Not that I need or want everyone to want me. I'd just like to look my best and feel good about myself without freaks getting carried away. Its scary.

I just want to look my best. Have a few good friends that care about me. And have a relationship with someone I care about and he cares about me. People say they love each other. That's grand. But would they care enough to treat me with a little respect.