Become a Better Communicator

The late Earl Nightingale called your ability to communicate "the single factor that controls to a significant degree the amount of money you will earn and the caliber of people with whom you will associate." Yet it isn't just an issue of money or professional success. Les Giblin, in his classic How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing With People, wrote: "Our happiness...depends to a great extent upon our ability to express our ideas, desires, hopes, ambitions, or disappointments to other people by the use of talk." Quite simply, communication is the most fundamental and important skill in life.

Here are five things you can do to improve your communication skills:

1. Decide that it's more important to understand other people than it is for them to understand you.

In his classic The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says that we must "seek first to understand, and then to be understood." Put another way, you must make it a priority to understand people and their wants and needs - and this must be more important to you than your own. This is a tall order, since we live in a very self-obsessed culture.

This advice is rooted in ancient wisdom. The Apostle Paul told the church in Philippi: "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself" (Phillippians 2:3, NKJV).

You should apply this principle at home and at work. At home, this means making sure you understand the needs, desires, and communication of your spouse before you try to get him or her to understand you. Same with your children. At work, make sure you fully hear and comprehend the proposals, opinions, concerns, suggestions, and objections of your boss and co-workers, before you try to get them to hear you.

2. Become an active listener.

The first step puts you in a position to implement this next step. When you listen to the other party (be it your spouse or co-worker), listen actively. Make sure you understand what he or she is saying. If that means, asking questions, do it. If it means repeating back to the person what he or she said, do it.

Practice leaning forward when the other person is talking. Make eye contact. Decide to show through your body language and facial expressions that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say.

3. Know your audience.

You need to become somewhat of a "people reader." Relationship coach and business consultant E.G. Sebastian emphasizes the importance of "reading people" and adjusting your conversation style to the other person's personality. How do you do this? By "reading" them. Says Sebastian: "Anyone can learn to recognize a few signs that give away a person's behavioral style and have an instant understanding of that person's communication and behavioral tendencies."

4. Identify your objective.

The way to avoid being a "wandering generality" (to use a Zig Ziglar phrase) is to decide on a specific objective (or set of objectives) in your conversation. Make sure you know what you are trying to accomplish. What do you want your spouse to do with the information you're presenting to her or him? How do you want your boss to act on your suggestion or proposal? What do you want from your co-worker? Decide what you want and then strategize in your mind how to best present that.

5. Make your case in a way appropriate to the listener.

This step builds on the previous ones, especially steps 3 and 4. If you know what you want and you have sized up your audience, then you can present your case in the most effective way possible. Someone who is domineering in personality will probably have little patience or time for smalltalk. Someone who is highly sanguine, on the other hand, will probably prefer it.

Whatever the personality type of the person you are speaking with, make sure that you move toward the point constructively in your conversation. Don't just ramble. And try to minimize confusions and misunderstandings. Know what you want, why you want it, and how it will help you and your audience. Think "win-win" and make your case accordingly.