Becoming an Elite Online Halo and World of Warcraft Gamer

Get involved in the latest, trendiest MMORPG - (that's pronounced Ehm-Mor'-Puhguh, by the way) - The greatest thing about MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Games) like WoW, DDO, EVE, Runescape, AoC, DAoC, EQ, and EQ2 isn't the impressively cumbersome acronyms, it's the fact that the games never, ever end. It's the most brilliant strategy for online video gaming ever. No more do you have to plod through a linear, dynamic narrative for 10-14 hours.

Now you can choose your own path in the wide world of WoW by killing a monster for 10-14 hours. Then you can change the face of that world by gathering an item for 10-14 hours. WoW indeed!

The depth of interaction and immersion in MMORPGs is breathtaking. You can't really understand WoW's graphical nuances until you're face to foot with an 80 foot tall demon-snake thing.

(Hey, of course it's intense, you wouldn't want to waste the 6 hours it took you and your guild to get there)

Get rid of that pesky social life

Everyone knows that making and keeping friends is hard. They come over and throw your PS3 controllers. They get drunk and tip your Xbox360, scratching your new Halo 3 disc. They giggle behind your back about your heavily modded, homebrew PSP.

Sure, they do it because they're jealous that you have the best strategies for fighting Sephiroth in FFVII. They enviously accuse you of cheating Halo 3 because you headshot them over and over until they want to reformat your PS3's HDD. The best thing to do is get those pesky jerks out of your life and focus on what's really important.

Say hello to your new friends: your guild

The best thing about a MMORPG like WoW is the social interaction without all the pesky rules and regulations of actual social interaction (and you get to wear a headset). The purpose of having a guild is so they can tell you how to play the game.

Thank goodness, because otherwise you'd probably be completely lost. Eventually, if you can become elite enough, then you can tell other people how to play the game. WoW really understands how to build a MMORPG community.

It's great to play video games to escape from all the tedium and social pressures of real life, too. Just make sure you have all your raid gear prepared. Don't forget to re-spec your skill tree, stop by the auction house, buy all the potions and scrolls you need for the boss, gather everyone up for the raid, explain all the roles, positions, and strategies that everyone is going to use, wipe and restart 5 times, then divide up all the loot according to advanced algorithms.

If you don't, a lot of people are going to be mad at you for wasting their precious time!

Master the First Person Shooter: (Halo, Counter Strike, Rainbow Six, Resistance, Call of Duty, Unreal, Quake, Half Life, Gears of War)

Don't be overwhelmed. Many of the plot-lines in these games can seem very intricate. You just need to realize something very important--they're all, essentially, the exact same game. Whew, that's a relief.

Just make sure you master the ADD-like, Mountain Dew addled, twitch reflex response that these games require. (Good thing you've been storing up all your nervous sexual energy) Memorize every nook and cranny of the maps, especially spawn points and weapon placement. Then, kick back as all the "noobs" fall to your "elite pwnage," and watch the money just roll out of your pockets at 50 bucks a pop.

Note: Mountain Dew IVs are potentially fatal. The needle impedes your circle-strafe reflexes.

Play mind games (headset and 5th grade education required)

In any video game like WoW or Halo 3 when you're engrossed in a hardcore PvP match, it's important to keep your wits about you and mess with the opponent's mind. Shouting racial slurs and extreme profanity is a must! Let them know how you really feel about other ethnicities and religions.

Remember: everyone who plays is a willing target, so don't exclude members of your own team. Every great leader knows that a team needs a purpose to rally behind. Obviously, the best way to unite your team is through the spastic, tourette's-like spouting of every ignorant and racist thing that comes to the shallow forefront of your mind.

Play until you fall asleep at your keyboard

It is imperative that you perfect the art of playing video games like WoW and Halo 3 (and every other video game you're addicted to) until you fall asleep at your keyboard. This is where the real learning begins--in your dreams. When you begin to dream about WoW or Halo, in fact when you begin to obsess about video games every waking moment, then congratulations, you have been initiated into true gamer status.

Note: experienced video gamers have learned to reduce their sleep time through special augmentations and rituals involving Mountain Dew, Bawls, Cocaine (tm), and all night LAN "parties." This level of gamer has found sleep and dreaming to be inefficient. (It wastes time that could be spent grinding to the next level, farming for that slightly better equipment, or spawn camping every noob that runs for the rocket launcher)

Learn to hack and cheat WoW, Halo 3, and other Xbox360 and PS3 games

Every elite gamer knows that the worst part about playing video games is actually playing them. Hacks, exploits, and cheats are the only way to play online video games! Meta-gaming is the new gaming. Think about it, there are so many other video games that you could be dominating by hacking and exploiting them. Why would you want to waste your time playing WoW or Halo, when you could just as easily not, and still be considered "elite" by everyone?

Follow these simple steps and you'll be climbing the social ladder (of MMORPGs and online video gaming) in no time.