Becoming a Mother and How it Can Affect a Relationship

Having ababy often complicates and changes our rela­tionship with our partners. It's difficult to anticipate what is involved when we add a new member to our family. In addition to feeling excited about becoming a family and proud of our baby, both partners-but espe­cially the man-may feel jealousy at being divided or excluded, and may doubt their parenting abilities. As women, especially, we feel that we are expected to know what to do as mothers, and that we are not allowed to make any mistakes. But ease and competency in mother­ing is learned only over time; it is not something we are born with. We all need reassurance from our partners as we try to establish ourselves in this new role. But our partners are often anxious about their fathering abilities and need reassurance equally as much. Our culture makes it hard for men to become fathers. They receive scant support from the societal structure, in which they are most often asked to prove themselves by perform­ance. Fearing that they will be judged inadequate, they often cannot allow themselves to ask for help from friends or relatives.

Both of us may be so preoccupied with caring for the baby and so needy ourselves that we cannot give each other the support we need. It is important to recognize this and try to be as communicative as possible-even to set aside special time to talk about it. If each partner has not had a sense of identity and confidence independent of the other, as well as good communication and the ability to offer support and acceptance to the other, the added stress of child care and financial responsibilities can magnify existing problems. A child can become a football between two people who are not supportive of one another. On the other hand, many couples have found that becoming parents is a turning point; that the act itself increases their sense of confidence in them­selves and each other and that sharing in the raising of their children enriches their relationship immeasurably.

During the time a couple has a small baby it's impor­tant to set aside time to be together and this requires planning and structuring. Our sex life might become less spontaneous, but we can plan for sex if we choose to- we don't have to try to make love when we're exhausted.

Having a child brings us tremendous responsibility. Hav­ing the support of the people around us-whether with partners, with friends, or in communes-gives us both emotional strength and physical help. As mothers we do not want to feel we are in it alone. We ask ourselves who will take care of our babies when we want to be by our-selves, when we are working, or when we want to rest. Do we have the support of the person or persons we live with? Will they share responsibility with us? Can we rely on friends, relatives and/or baby-sitters? Even in good situations it takes time to work out a comfortable bal­ance between time with and time away from our child, and even then the balance keeps changing.