Becoming a Single Parent Daddy: How to Ease the Transition to Single Parenting

My children were all very young when my husband of seven years left us for another woman. In fact, my youngest son was still inutero at the time. My other three sons were 1.5, 3 and 5 years old when their entire world as they had known it up to that point got flipped upside down. I know how difficult it is as a newly single mother to try to work through your own personal emotions whilst also being strong enough to soothe your childrens' emotions. To be a single mother is one of the absolute most self-sacrificial lifestyles one can live out day to day.

There are plenty of choices to be made all of a sudden. One of the biggest concerns is finances. While some fathers who choose to leave their families and homes DO continue to be financially responsible and pay a sufficient amount of child support and/or spousal support, many do not. The sad fact is that many single mothers are living beneath poverty level with their children. What make sit more difficult is many times the mother has not worked outside of teh home for many years so she now has a major challenge of finding employment sufficient enough to meet the needs of her family.

This is why we have such things in our country as public assistance. Do not be ashamed or too proud to pick up the phone and dial your local Social Services Department. Every county is different but many offer food stamps, free medical insurance for pregnant women and minors, cash assistance, rental assistance, and WIC, which provides breastfeeding support, free formula and vouchers for food items for pregnant women and children under the age of 5. The goal here is to utilize these programs in order to enable one to get back on her feet in ample amount of time so she can become independent and no longer need such assistance day to day.

Finding yourself having to juggle everything yourself, having to play the role of both parents can be very stressful at times! Suddenly having to be solely responsible for all of the household chores, errands, appointments, budgetting, earned income, discipline........where do you begin? My best advice is to seek out other single mothers who have already been where you find yourself standing now. Perhaps you know one such lady in your church or family or nieghborhood. Ask her how she did it those first few months, what little tricks eased things along, what she has learned along the way. If you do not have any single mother friends, seek some out now. I have days when i feel I am failing and struggling to do everything I desire to and it helps so much to visit another single mother and see her laundry is JUST as piled up as mine and her kids are not any more perfect than my own. Being able to vent to an understanding person who can relate to where you are coming from sometimes makes a world of difference.

Beyond your own needs are those of your children. Every child responds differently to the loss of a parent through divorce. This makes it even more difficult if you have more than one child because you will quickly learn that what works to help one child feel better may not work at all for another. Babies oftentimes have it the easiest as they are often not bonded as of yet with a absent father and therfore are unaware of what they are lacking in that department. But babies are also keenly intuitive and tend to pick up on our emotions so if you are having a bad day they may also be extra fussy or clingy. Learn to recognize whenyou are passing those negative feelings onto them so you can take a time to yourself to center yourself and bring teh peace back. Toddlers and preschoolers often do not know how to put thier emotions into tangible words.

This lack of communicative ability can greatly frustrate them and they may revert back to more baby-ish tendencies. Many of them may stop using the toilet if they were previously potty training or may begin to have accidents if they were altready fully potty trained. Some will want to begin using a bottle or pacifier again or being extra clingy with you. Such behavior can be annoying but the best thing to do is to acknowledge thier feelinsg and respect them as such. Do not encourage such behavior, but do not shame or ridicule them either. This age group, like all age groups, benefits greatly from lots of one-on-one attention and love. School age children may react in more unpredictable ways. Some may act out in angry and violent ways. This is all too often a way to cover up thier fears and hrting. Make sure you tell them yo understand how they are feeling and that it is OKAY and acceptable and ordinary to feel that way. Talk them through their anger. They certainly have every right to be upset over the upheaval their life is now in. It is your responsibility as a mother to teach them proper self control and ways to vent that anger safely and respectfully of other people around them.

Other children may withdraw and even display signs of depression. Yes, it is common for even very young children to show signs of depression! My oldest was only 5 when he went thorugh this. My typically boisterous, hyperactive, empathetic son simply ceased to shine. Where once he would climb trees and ride his scooter and play with friends outside, now he refused to go outside at all. I would force him to come out with us and while his brothers ran around he would sulk on the stairs by our door complianing that the sun was hurting his eyes.

At church he refused to attend his beloved sunday school class, opting instead to sit quietly beside me in my adult class and draw sketches in his art pad. He wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, and developed dark circles under his eyes.For a mother to see her child acting this way can be painful. I encourage you to seek out a child or family therapist for your child if such behaviors continue and you feel you yourself cannot bring your child back around to where he/she once was. Many times we are struggling to understand and identify and work through our own emotions and that is overwhelming enough. It can be even more diiicult to counsel our children thorugh their individual journeys as well.

What it comes down to in teh end is your own personal strength, determination and love for your children. I myself was raised in a single parent home and oftentimes my mother will mention hwo hard we had it and what her regrets are for raising us in less than perfect circumstances. (as if those even exist.) I tell her that in all honesty I do not recall the material items we might have lacked nor did I ever feel neglected or cheated of love or attention, no matter hwo busy she was working to support us.

This is because my mother always hugged us, always told us she loved us, always took a few minutes at least every day to read or tickle or talk to us. She had just as much of a choice as our father in the going or the staying and she chose to stay. That spoke volumes to us as an example of commitment and family and love. It was all we really required, all all children really require. Beyond the second-guessing and fears and doubts and struggles and fumbling through the figuring-it-all-out phase....if there is love in your heart for yourself and your child, than I can promise that you you will be okay. Love alone is always enough.