Bed Bug: "We're Not that Snug"

New York City's Bed Bug problem escalated this weekend when thousands of bed bugs were found loitering inside the Empire State Building.

Due to the excessive amount of bed bugs, both the SWAT Team and the National Guard were brought in to neutralize the situation.

For a few brief hours, the streets of Manhattan were in complete chaos; reminiscent of September 11th. People were running through the streets. "Somebody call Orkin!" screamed a citizen, fleeing in sheer terror.

After 3 hours and 39 minutes, and 5 blasts of tear gas, the siege ended. The bed bugs were rousted out of the historic landmark and into the paddy wagons that awaited below.

New York State Pest Control Specialist, Martin Willoughby was one of the first to arrive at the scene. "Bed bugs have been a huge problem in New York City for decades," said Willoughby. "I actually got into pest control because of my fascination with them. They are like no other creature. They can live without feeding for an entire year. But what astounds me is their ability to stay in hotel rooms, long after their check-out day.

It was later learned that this particular group of bed bugs migrated from a mattress in Louisiana. They were visiting New York City on a religious retreat with their church.

"New York can be very pricey," said one of the Bed Bugs. "We had no choice. What do they [Hotel Managers] expect us to do? We've been kicked out of the Four Seasons and The Plaza. We snapped after we were forced to leave the Waldorf-Astoria for no good reason. They even refused to validate our parking. And that's when we decided to take up residence in the Empire State Building. It appears that most hotels in New York City don't allow bed bugs. I think there is a prejudicial question here that is not being answered. We just came here for a nice sight-seeing tour for a few days and this is how we get treated. They shouldn't call this place the Big Apple. They should call it the Big Crapple!"

Another Bed Bug commented, "We didn't do anything wrong. We are good guests. We pay our bills, we don't raid the mini bar, and we're quiet and conscientious. So, we feed on humans. Big deal! Let me tell you, it's not such a treat. God created the bed bug, but he didn't create Bug Chow, neither did Purina. So unless any of you bastards have a better idea, mind your own goddamn business!"

As the last of the bed bugs were taken into custody, the crowd cheered as one of the bed bugs broke free from his handcuffs and sang New York State of Mind A Capella.

"Maybe those Bed Bugs aren't so bad," said Sgt. Rodney Gitz, a New York City Police Officer.

Once news of the Bed Bug fiasco spread, Rev. Al Sharpton arrived at the police station to bail out the bed bugs. They were sent to a Double Tree in Newark.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.