Bedbugs Are Coming

I knew they were coming too.

A good friend had spent his working life at the Chicago Park District. He maintained playground equipment and field houses. The work seemed to agree with him and he would've happily continued, but according to the park district there was a downturn in the economy and 72 employees accepted a "voluntary severance". It wasn't exactly a gold watch, but it was good. The only negative was the curse of the 21^st century, the cost of health insurance.

He had to find something to do.

So he took a part time job with the health department.

He said he was a "bed bug inspector".

"There is a problem with bed bugs?" I asked. It didn't seem like a growth industry. I couldn't imagine job fairs were recruiting for this position.

I had a chuckle, nicknamed him, "Bedbug", and didn't think too much of it.

Then the news came down.

Chicago has a little inferiority complex. We are known as the "second city" and we are constantly checking to see how we measure up. In this case we polled out at number five. New York, Philadelphia, Detroit and Cincinnati have greater infestations, but bed bugs have surfaced as a problem.t

I asked "Bedbug" what happened.

"We can't use DDT anymore".

Indeed, DDT fell out of favor as a pesticide in the 1940's and 1950's before it was totally banned in 1972. It was deemed too toxic for wildlife especially birds.

Chemicals like propoxur replaced DDT. That was banned for home use in 1996. Instead of birds falling out of the trees, propoxur was causing nausea, dizziness and blurred vision in children.

According to the experts, propoxur is a "knockout" pesticide but one that bedbugs may become resistant to over time.

So how do I keep these critters out of my bed? I am starting to feel a phantom itch.

"Bedbug" tells me to stay away from cut-rate mattress stores. I have noticed these all over the place. Some of them are open twenty-four hours a day. They have aroused my suspicion. How many mattresses do people buy? Did you ever rush out in the middle of night and buy a nice queen size?

No one ever seems to be in these stores. How can they manage to rent out an old Walgreen's, fill it up with dozen mattresses and pay their bills?

I figured that something was up and one day I'd open up the newspaper and find out what was really going on.

"Bedbug" says that some of these outfits buy used or trade-in mattresses, cleans them up and resells them. It doesn't seem to me that this would be a very lucrative enterprise. I know Bargain Betty used to have some pretty clean looking mattresses at her thrift shop, but I was wary.

"O.K.", I tell him, no bargain mattresses for me.

But what about when I check into some hotel? New York, Detroit, Philadelphia, Cincinnati? I've been in all those cities. I've been in some motels where they seemed to have just mopped up the blood from the last occupant. If these places couldn't get rid of the crack peddler or the pimp, what chance did I have of avoiding a bedbug?

The experts say to find them first. We are supposed to look for blood or fecal matter on the mattresses and linens. We are supposed to check behind headboards, nightstands and bed frames with a flashlight and a magnifying glass.

"Bedbug" tells me to take the headboard off the wall with a screwdriver.

He says to put my luggage in the bathtub. Other experts tell us to use the luggage racks and don't leave suitcases open on the bed.

It sounds to me that the hotel room could wind up being as trashed as if a sixties rock band had just passed through.

In any case, it sounds that we are going to have a nice vacation in a swell hotel after I take my tool belt off or if I can smuggle a canister of propoxur on the plane.

But I'm not making fun of my buddy, "Bedbug" anymore.

Scratch, scratch, scratch.