Behind Closed Doors: Escaping Domestic Violence

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again." His words played over and over in my head. I believed him, but the hitting, shoving and shouting continued no matter how much I begged and pleaded for him to stop. There was a time in our relationship when I thought maybe if I fought back he'd leave me alone. I painfully remember that day as if it was yesterday. . .
Nervously walking into the living room to approach him, I felt my eyes sting with tears.

"What's wrong with you?" He asked, halfway withdrawing his attention from the television.

"I just...my voice shook...miscarried our baby."

He darted up from the couch. "Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?"
Taking a step back from him, I feared his next move.

"I didn't know I was pregnant, not until I went to the bathroom."

Sternly scrunching up his face while placing his hands on his hips he waited for me to continue.

"I thought I was just on my period until I saw gray matter in my stool. With my experience in the medical field, I know the gray matter is a miscarriage. It also explains why my bleeding is heavier, and why I hurt more than usual."

"It wasn't mine! Who have you been sleeping around with, b**ch?"

"You know cheating is not my style. Besides, you always make sure I'm in your sight, and I can't go anywhere without you." Fighting back my tears, I continued, "So how could I cheat? Furthermore, if you hadn't been so angry last night we wouldn't be having this conversation!"

Like a flash of lightning, he was standing smack dab in front of my face. I knew right then I had made a mistake.

"Never, and I mean, never, speak to me in that tone again!" He said as he shoved me down on the couch.

"I just lost a baby. I should see a doctor," I softly pleaded.

"You don't need a dam doctor! Go to bed and rest!"

Feeling the sting across my face I tried to get up as one lonely tear ran down my left cheek, and then another down my right cheek. All I could manage to do--to try and keep him from hitting me again--was kick him between the legs. I only made matters worse.

Deep inside, I was hurting... crying, and many times since that day asking myself why. Why did I love him so much despite everything he did? Did I love him because I was young and stupid? Although those two questions still remain unanswered, there was one question that I did have an answer for: Why did I later marry him? I knew it was because I was pregnant with his baby and thought it was the right thing to do, but I also thought the baby would change things. Boy was I wrong!

Over the course of six years, I made it a point not to show my pain to others. There were many trips to the emergency room where I would tell doctors and nurses I fell in the bathtub, along with many other excuses. I think they knew the truth, but they couldn't do anything unless I spoke up. Instead, the nurses gave me brochures and pamphlets that I would hide in my purse and later throw away so he wouldn't see them. If I made friends, they could tell something was wrong and didn't like him much. I guess he sensed that, so I was no longer allowed to talk to them unless he was around.

Many times I tried to leave, but each time he found me and begged me to come back. He would always say, "I'm sorry, it won't happen again." Then he would tell me the kids were not going with me, and if I leave for good and fight for custody of the kids, I would regret it.

Through the stress, daily abuse and his numerous affairs, God was by my side. The only good thing that came from that marriage was my three children and a stronger faith. I call my children my little angels, and they made me realize I didn't need anyone else. My children were all that mattered, and I knew they had been through enough, so I finally got help from family, a good friend that he wasn't able to run off and the local police.
Why did I stay in an abusive and controlling marriage for so long? I've been asked this question many times, and though I know I stayed too long, I stayed out of fear. He told me I'd regret it if I tried to fight for custody, and I believed him. He controlled the money and took my paychecks, so I didn't have a penny to my name; therefore, I couldn't afford a lawyer and knew it would be a battle for custody. I felt so trapped and helpless that I didn't know what to do.

When I did muster up the courage to leave, I was so afraid of him that I let him control the divorce. He told me if I let the girl live with him (she was 6 years old at the time), I could have the two boys (they were ages 4 and 2). Furthermore, he said if I didn't fight it, there would be no problems. I gave in (like an idiot), but I enjoyed my freedom.
Starting over again on my own was lonely at first, but with God's help, I recovered and slowly learned to forgive. Now, 11 years later, after a long battle, more emotional abuse and phone harassment, I finally have custody of all three of my children (now teenagers). Moreover, four months after my divorce (October 1998), I met a wonderful man and remarried in 2004. Entering into a new relationship was scary at first, but as we come to know each other, I realized God had blessed me with a faithful and caring man.

Many victims of domestic violence are not able to find the strength to leave in time, and those who do may not even find the strength to move on with someone else, but no matter what they choose to do, they will be much happier outside of an abusive home. I won't lie. It's hard at first, but with God's help, they'll heal, and if they keep God close, He'll help them continue with the plans he has for them here on Earth. It takes time to heal, time to forgive and time to trust again, but any domestic violence victim can do it all if they turn to God for guidance.

Note from the author: This is dedicated to all the men and women who are, or have been victims of domestic violence. In addition, I would also like to dedicate this to all who has lost a loved one due to domestic violence.
If you ever need to talk, or would like to know where you can find help in your area, don't hesitate to contact me. May God bless you all!