Behind Every Good Woman is a Soul-Devouring Sea Monster

She's beautiful. She's precious. She's the sweetest, most beautiful flower to have ever graced your dour existence on this planet.

Oh yeah, and she's pure evil.

Not evil in a shave-your-eyebrows-when-you-pass-out-the-night-before-your-job-interview type of way - that's just good American fun. Evil in a slowly-gain-your-trust-while-simultaneously-dragging-your-pitiful-soul-to-the-crushing-depths-of-hell's-ocean-of-fiery-despair-agony-and-eternal-regret-while-vengeful-crustaceans-slowly-peck-your-face-into-oblivion type of way. Yes, that place actually exists, and your little nugget of joy is its gatekeeper.

"You're an idiot, dude", you're saying now, I'm sure. "My perfect little poopsie is an angel of light, and you are a tiny, bitter man." NAY, my good sir! I am your savior! And I will bet everything in my account at Bob's Discount Bank and my new-ish Kia Spectra that the special little gem in your life has committed at least one of these atrocities. And because I'm better than you, I'm also going to teach you how to defend yourself. So get ready to have your mind blown, crackerjack.

A Few Methods of the Sea Monster

1. Nefarious use of the word "fine". Only a creature of the blackest abyss could use such a simple, happy little word in a way that says "I will devour your will to live and wipe my hands on your pants". Usually, this is accompanied by icy shards of murder shooting from their eyes. Be sure to shield your face when this occurs, then pack a bag, change your name and move to Yemen. You'll thank me later.
2. The desire for occasional equality. She wants your job. She wants your pay. She wants you to stop holding the door for her. But she also wants to get off the sinking ship first, to cry her way out of speeding tickets, and to not be smacked in the eye when she throws the first punch. You can solve this by punching her first, then running. Far. Preferably to Yemen. And if you're already in Yemen, it's over and she won, so just lay down and go to your happy place while she slurps up your self-worth.
3. The reverse outrage trick. Quite possibly the most common and diabolical tool in the she-beast's arsenal. Typically, it goes like this. A: woman does something overwhelmingly stupid/cruel/ridiculous. B: man becomes understandably angry at aforementioned she-beast. C: woman becomes counter-angry at man for becoming angry at her, feigns righteous indignation. D: man buys unholy woman a sacrifice of dark chocolate and the blood of a newborn infant to appease the creature lurking within. Unfortunately, the only defense is to not know any women, so this battle is already lost. Sorry. I tried to warn you.
4. The hypothetical deathtrap. If you fall into this - and you will - and manage to not perish screaming and cursing this mortal coil, you will soon discover that you may in fact prefer the warm nothingness of non-existence. Classic varieties of this trap may sound like "Do I look fat in this?", "If I died, would you remarry?", "Isn't my sister a pain?", and "Do you think she's pretty?" While the method may be obvious, and we have learned a few defenses, these woman-like spectres are nothing if not creative, and continue to amass new weapons in their arsenal. Some fresher varieties may sound something like "Which shoes do you like better?" or "Do you notice anything different?" Truth is not your shield in this battle, my friend! So whatever you do, do not give answers that resemble anything like "They look the same to me" or "You bleached your moustache?", for those are express tickets to Horror-town, population YOU. I, as your counselor, strongly recommend curling into a fetal position, holding your ears to keep the evil out, and repeatedly shouting "YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, THOUGHTFUL, INCREDIBLE CREATURE IN THE HISTORY OF INFINITY!!!" If this doesn't work, chuck some candy bars at her and escape through the window. If there is no window, escape through the drywall. If you're stuck in a gigantic steel room, take the emergency pill that we men carry at all times, and walk into the light.

She's coming. I just barely have time to finish this. Whoever you are, if you've discovered this article, get out! Get out now, while you still can! OH GOD, SHE'S RIGHT OVER MY SHOULDER!!! She's.........