Being Bah Humbug on the Sly

There is an art to being bah-humbug enough to express contempt of commercialism but not so overboard as to attract ghost visitors. In other words, a bah-humbug person can absolutely adhere to the spirit of the holidays without ever saying the words "merry" or "happy".

Begin by defining what the best of holidays past means. Maybe specific smells of baking treats or one not overplayed song help to trigger memories of good times. Maybe happiness is time spent with favorite rather than barely tolerable people. If remembrances of holidays past do not match up with holidays present, evaluate what has gone wrong.

Some Things that Go Wrong on Holidays

1. People mistakenly think that holidays are for children. Did Dickens start this idea when he introduced us to Tiny Tim? No. Contrary to what a literary critic might say, the point of Dickens' story was that old working stiffs need holidays the most.

2. People mistakenly think that they have to please their families on the holidays at the expense of peace of mind. Why? Nothing in the name of family tradition is worth crazy making. Gradually over the next few years get rid of the things (and people) that are most annoying about the holidays. Tired of decorating the tree? Delegate it to the one person who cannot go without it. Sick of keeping everything even Steven for the children? Write checks or give gift cards.

3. People get stuck at airports, in traffic jams or in snowstorms. They can blame it on themselves for not staying home.

4. People do not get what they want as gifts. Honestly, they should learn to be content or give people lists.

5. People drink too much. This probably goes back to pleasing a family member and so experiencing too much boredom or annoyance and therefore over imbibing. Don't try to please anyone.

6. People ignore their diets. That's okay. Eat and make a new year's resolution to lose weight.

7. People think that they have to spend a lot of money. Ridiculous. It is not holiday minded to be a miser like Scrooge; however, gifts can be thoughtful and tasteful without being outrageously expensive. Remember that holidays are not for children who are going to grow up spoiled if they get everything they want all the time. Spend cash for gifts and the mailman will not be delivering credit card bills in January. Buy for favorites first and go down the list to most bothersome. It might sound petty . . . of course it is petty, but it could put a smile on your face.

What to Avoid on the Holidays

1. In the best bah-humbug spirit, avoid those people who claim that they love the holidays. They only love the holidays because it is their chance to boss others around. These people have inflexible ideas about their "traditions" and how things are supposed to be. Rules and regulations and tradition have their place for us creatures of habit, but a little variety does not hurt either. If these people start to get to your peace of mind, buy a Bah Humbug t-shirt and wear it to church or work or the other places that they lurk.

2. Sidestep hassle. If the Christmas lights get in a tangle and the cussing begins, walk away from it. Go buy new lights or get someone with more patience to put them up. Don't cuss in the kitchen either. A central part of any holiday celebration is food prepared with love and a grateful heart. Who wants to eat a damned turkey?

3. Don't complain. Think of the holidays like the democratic process. If a person does not vote, he should shut up about politics. Thus, anyone without the guts to do the holidays his/her own way, must not gripe when man or woman handled into having to go to someone else's house where some diabolical person has mixed turnips into the mashed potatoes.

The best of the present holidays 2008 means that the one having a good time is you. Don't think of this as being selfish but as necessity in avoiding grumpiness. Your bad mood only makes the day less enjoyable for others, especially for those children that the most annoying holiday celebrators use as an excuse for getting everything they want.