Being a Bearable Pageant Mom: When Your Daughter Steps into the Beauty Pageant World

We all think our children are the most beautiful, intelligent, wonderful people in the entire world. I know mine are.

And that's as it should be.

When girls decide to make a foray into the pageant world, it can be a wonderful thing -- both for them and their parents. But what everyone involved needs to know is that, no matter how outstanding your little girl is, she's not going to win all the time.

My daughter was in her first pageant, a state pre-teen program, when she was 11. She didn't win. Anything. She didn't even place in the top 10.

Being a new pageant mom, I, of course, was aghast. How was that possible? How could my child, who was so much smarter and prettier than the garden variety 11-year-old (and certainly more so than the girl who won!) have been passed over?

Luckily, I managed to get myself together before I saw my daughter. Because when I look back on it now, the things I was thinking were certainly nothing I should have verbalized to her.

Pageants are a fabulous way to get your girl up on stage. They're a great way to help her out with public speaking and interview skills, and, if she's a singer, dancer, gymnast, dancer or whatever (we once saw a girl do origami for her talent ... she didn't win, but we'll sure never forget her) it's a venue for her to perform. They teach poise. They teach girls how to be graceful winners ... and losers.

I believe the reason pageants sometimes get such a bad rap is that people just don't understand them. Yes, there are bad ones. There are ones that are just about being pretty and parading around in too much makeup and skimpy swimsuits.

But there are also pageants that empower young women. Many pageant circuits are headed by former pageant girls who just want to make the experience positive for the up-and-comers. They emphasize scholarship and community service.

My daughter is 16 now, and I think I've learned some valuable lessons in pageant parent etiquette. If you're thinking of letting your daughter do a pageant, here are some of my tips.

First, make sure it's her idea. I once saw a mother force her 10-year-old daughter into an evening gown and onto the stage when the little girl had the flu. The poor kid puked into a trash can while my daughter and another girl held her hair back before she went out. Obviously, the pageant, at that point, was a whole lot more important to Mom than it was to the girl. Keep perspective. If she wants to back out at any time, you have to let her.

Secondly, never badmouth other contestants. This is hard. If you do pageants for any amount of time, you are going to come across ones where girls win who you know shouldn't have. Keep your mouth shut. The last thing you want to do is raise a sore loser who can't be happy for others. Ask your girl what was good about the girl who won. Encourage her to congratulate her.

Never make your girl feel bad about her performance. When she comes to you after a pageant she didn't win, do not say, "this is where you could have done better." Tell her she was wonderful, even if she had an off night. Tell her you're proud of her. She may, as my daughter has done after a loss, tell you she doesn't want to do pageants anymore. Tell her you're behind her no matter what she decides.

Pageants are always a crapshoot. In the pageant world, we have a saying ... "Different judges, different night, different outcome." What you and your daughter have to remember is that judges are just people. They like different things. If your daughter has blonde hair and a judge tends to like girls who are brunettes, there's nothing you can do about that. Losing a pageant does not mean that your daughter shouldn't ever do another one, and does not mean that she'll never win. My daughter has been in 10 pageants to date. She's won three titles. She's been a first, second and third runner-up. She's won preliminary and optional awards in interview and casual wear modeling. She's been Miss Congeniality. And yes, there have been times she hasn't won anything at all.

You just can't ever tell what's going to happen.

Lastly, when the time comes your daughter does win, make sure she is humble. Encourage her to congratulate the other contestants on a job well done. Make sure she knows you would have loved her no matter what, but that you are proud.