Being Bipolar: My Five Phases

Since I have opened this topic and touched on the various levels of my being bipolar without really explaining what those levels might mean to me, I will continue to attempt clarifying what this disorder really purports to be, in my opinion. Through extensive self-examination, I have identified five stages of my disorder with their respective transition periods. Now, I will try to briefly clarify what these stages are and what they signify to me as someone who lives as a bipolar being.

On the depressed end of this spectrum is what I label as self loathing and is often disguised as withdrawal from and/or anger with others. It is this level I try most arduously to disguise. After all, if I do not have to interact with anyone I do not have to deal with my own issues and if I do find it necessary to interact with someone causing them or others to believe any 'flaws' in communication or other activity is the other person's fault keeps the focus off me.

Transitioning to the next level, which I label 'self-pity', I begin to internalize all the damage done during my 'self-loathing' as something caused by external forces. In other words, I deny responsibility for my previous actions and begin to believe my own propaganda about how I have been mistreated by others. This also 'rationalizes' my withdrawal from others since the almighty 'they' have conspired against me.

With great difficulty, I can move to the middle level I have labeled 'self-acceptance'. Here is where I would like to be and believe most 'normal' people to reside most of the time. On this level, I can see the world is not a 'right and wrong' world but more a 'healthy or unhealthy' world. I also feel comfortable with my place and purpose in such a world and no longer feel a need to assign blame to either others or my self.

Though I may remain in the middle level for long periods of time, which I think is what keeps others convinced there is nothing 'wrong' or 'unhealthy' with me, I eventually progress to the next level. Sometimes this is a gradual process, other times it may happen in 'the blink of an eye' without careful and continuous monitoring. On this level, which I label 'self-admiration', I begin to believe that I have 'overcome' so much more than the 'normal' people and that I 'deserve' to be recognized for it.

Finally, the next logical level of this journey is what I label 'self-adoration'. Here, I truly feel I am the best at whatever I have done or am doing and that if others would only do what I think they should do all would be 'perfect'. This level naturally feeds into the first one as it disguises that any fault with anything is not mine and I have every reason to withdraw.

All five levels have one thing in common, 'self'. Though this may seem an obvious observation it is note-worthy in that it can be difficult to distinguish from many other 'dis-orders' such as alcoholism or other addictions. Physically it may be caused by a chemical imbalance, which science may one day be able to detect in the early stages of the disease but socially and mentally it remains a 'self' centered circle of devastation that wreaks havoc on so many lives.

Until such a time, I believe having a bipolar disorder will continue to cause more suicides, murders, and dysfunction than other dis-orders more readily identifiable. Of course, this could simply mean I am transitioning into the 'self-admiration' level of my own Bipolar Being. It could also mean this dis-order is more prevalent in society than currently thought.

Which meaning is the closest to the truth, I cannot honestly say. I simply offer both as possibilities and the real truth may lie somewhere in between the two meanings. I do know it is difficult living through these levels and their transitions repeatedly.

It is not so much the repetition of the cycle as the constant self-examination and consistent treatment with medication(s) that leads to the havoc wrought by being bipolar. Hopefully, more people will 'come out' about their experiences with this dis-order and their solutions to living with it. It is, after all, by it's very nature egocentric (self-centered) and requires the active participation of multiple 'selves' to gauge how best to approach identification and effective treatment.

I have rambled on now about what I, my 'self', believe to be my own identification of the cycles I pass through. It is not, as some may believe, a continuous circle of levels. In fact, sometimes it can do figure eights, roundabouts, and other geometric extravaganzas unknown to man.

Though I have identified the 'self' portions of this dis-order to arrange them in a way that seems logical to me, those affected by my actions during these various levels and their transitions may often find themselves to be unable to understand or identify which level of my dis-order is affecting their life. They may even begin to think it is their own issues that are causing any problems and thus feed into my dis-order. To those who suffer because of what I have done or because I have a dis-order that is difficult to treat with consistency and efficacy, I apologize.

Self is such a huge part of the equation but is by no means the only part of it. The chemical imbalances coupled with the constant questioning of the 'hidden agendas' of others make this a very pessimistic dis-order. Even when it has been accurately identified and is being effectively treated the dis-order continues to evolve so treatment and identification of the transformations of the dis-order must evolve also. Perhaps my next examination of being bipolar will be one of what 'self' is and how I relate to it. Perhaps not since I do not yet know if I can bring those thoughts in to order. It is still with great difficulty that I manage to piece together these mental meanderings.