Being a Dad to a Step-Child

Let me first state that I am not father of the year material. I have three children of my own, and they could tell ya some of the trials and tribulations that we've gone through. My son, who is now a West Point cadet, went through some pretty extreme drama and emotional trauma as he grew up. He really didn't get to know me until he was around ten. His mother and I hadn't really dated nor had a relationship, and I was in the military, so it made it that much harder. Combine that with the fact that I was young and still maturing, made for a terrible mix as a father and role model. That story can be told at a later time. My two daughters live with their mom. She and I met while I was in the Army, and we eventually married. My first daughter was born just as I was getting out of the military. My second daughter followed 19 months later. My divorce followed about 18 months after that.

My son and daughters and I have an awesome relationship now. It's amazing how they have taken on so many of my traits; I almost look in awe every time I see one of them display a trait I recognize as my own. I grew up without having ever met my natural father, but I don't use that as an excuse. My mother was awesome and she raised me well, even if it took me thirty plus years to figure that out for myself.

So now I find myself back into this role of being a father figure to an impressionable and very intelligent three year old. Her mother and I have been dating for about five months now, and her daughter has started calling me daddy in some situations. Her natural father passed away about a year ago, though mom and dad were separated prior to his death and heading to divorce several months prior. The two of them have spent the night at my home, there are children's toys at my place now and I have met the family at family events and been welcomed. It really seems that we're heading towards a long term relationship, and that's where the rest of this thing starts.

The little one is in the midst of potty training, and being weaned from a bottle to go to sleep at night. Both very daunting tasks, as anyone with a child will know. She hugs me, kisses me and tells me she loves me daily when I see her. She runs to me with open arms when she sees me for the first time each day, and it's something that just melts your heart when you hear that little girl voice call your name and run to you expecting a big hug and to be picked up and held. There have been times, more and more lately, that I have participated in the punishment of her misdeeds. Anywhere from a spank to a nose in the corner, I have been the "bad guy" and sometimes I think back and wonder if I was overdoing it, or even under doing it. In the end, after any punishment that little girl does the damndest thing; she still comes up and smiles at me, and wants my attention. I don't remember ever having my kids come to me after a punishment and still wanting to play. Maybe I've gotten older and those types of memories have been lost, but it certainly makes me think now.

I have tried to be reflective and see how I have changed since my children were younger, and so was I. Maybe it's not so much that the things children do change, it's how we as adults view those actions then, and how we may view those actions now. Has the world changed us so much that we would be different parents today, versus back when our children were young? I'm here to say, that I believe the answer is a resounding yes. I can say that, because now I'm in the role of daddy/role model and I am different. I see that I expect things from her that I probably didn't expect from own children at the same age, and I have to stop and think; how much of this is me and how much of this is helping this little one grow and become an enthusiastic young child?

I have decided that most of this is me. It's me trying to make up for what I think I missed before, or how I could have done things better. I know that I have nothing but the best intentions, and the one thing that I try to ensure I do, is after punishments are over, I give her a hug and tell her I love her, but she can't do (whatever got her punished). Her mother, my girlfriend, has such mixed emotions over all of this. She has felt that she needs to make up for the little one's father not being here anymore. Even though she knows his death is not her fault, she feels like she didn't give her daughter all of the time she could have had. Sometimes, she lets her daughter get away with things, that I turn around and don't let her get away with. Of course, the little one is looking at me like "momma said I could" or she goes running to mom, and mom feels somewhere in the middle of "I feel like I should let her have what she wants" and "I know it's not right to give in to everything".

My girlfriend's family is a nice mix of personalities. We have the types that are stronger personalities like mine, and they have the non-confrontational type. While I realize that this description can be about almost every family you may ever meet, what makes this combination unique here is that the family is small, and has daily contact with each other. Two of the sisters live together, and one of them is a nanny to a third sister's toddler child. To be able to keep that wide range of a dynamic in check, and make it work so that the family can stay as tight and close as they have for that long, is pretty surprising. They have welcomed me with open arms, and I think they are starting to see that their niece and/or granddaughter has starting taking to me like a father figure. To some extent, I have that in the back of my mind as well. Of course, measuring up to the standard of what this little girl needs as a father figure and a role model is the primary concern, what the family thinks of my methods of doing so can be equally judged and a cause for concern. So at times, I find myself ensuring that they see the positive side of my interaction with her, and now just getting to the point where they see that I also participate in her discipline.

So I write this as a way for me to reflect and see my thoughts as the written and not spoken word. In my life, I have often claimed actions speak louder than words. By taking the time to sift through my thoughts, and reflect on the journey I have undertaken, and put them to paper for others to hold me to and judge me on, gives me a new sense of urgency. It allows for me to be true to myself, and for them to see that at this point in my life, I am true to the bond that I feel as a family. When that little girl grows older, she'll be able to see what I have written and know in her heart that I have always loved her, and that her growing to have the most advantages that I had the power to give, were hers for the taking.

I love you little one, you have given me a renewed sense of being me. One of the things I think we lose as parents is the sense of reward that we get from raising a child. Of course, seeing your child grow and being able to lead their life and flourish is a great reward. To be able to retire and know that your children have grown to be awesome young adults is also its own reward. Meeting a young child whose father has passed away and who may never have had that feeling of fatherly love, and then finding that you long to be that person, is scary and exciting. I want to ensure that she understands that I want her to remember her father, and that I simply look forward to being daddy for her when she needs one. For her mother, I don't know what else I can say or do. I have written this entire bit of emotion for her daughter, and about her daughter. I have intentionally not written about the love I feel for her. I don't think I could express how she has saved my life. She has given me every reason to believe that a great life is still in store for me. I cannot think of a better way to show her how much I adore her. I hope that I don't embarrass myself, and I hope that she sees that the greatest honor that I feel like I can have is to share my life and to help her raise her daughter to become a great young lady. I love them both so very dearly, and for the first time in a very long time, I feel like a new man, and that I have found the place that I belong.

Many of you may wonder why I would choose to write this, and publish it for the world to see. Well, I did this for many reasons. I did this for me, for this great new family that I hope to continue building and I did it for one other person: The man who now finds himself on the verge of becoming a stepfather, so that as he reads this, he compares himself and understands what he's getting into. To make sure that this type of dedication and love is what he's ready to put forth, because a child who has lost their father, deserves no less.