Being a Good Divorced Parent

Sometimes, unfortunately, divorce is the best decision, but it can be muddy waters with children involved. Once the step has been taken towards separation and divorce there are some things you need to consider for the sake of your children.

A lot of new separations leading to divorce spar a lot of arguing and mud slinging. This is just not good for children. If you and your spouse have decided, or ex-spouse for those already divorced, that the marriage is indeed over, take the necessary steps to ensure that your children can withstand the blow.

Talk To Your Children Together
Easier said than done, right? No, not really. If your marriage is over, then your top priority should be the children and how to get them through it. Children may not say so, but more often than not, they believe a divorce is their fault somehow. As soon as the decision is made to split, both parents should sit down together with the children and discuss the issue. Tell your child as many times as it takes to convince them that the divorce is not their fault. You also need to discuss with them how the divorce will affect their usual routines. For example, if dad is moving out and taking the family dog to live with him, then the children should know to expect this.

Don't Put the Children in the Middle
As mad as you may be at your ex-spouse, you need to control yourself when it comes to talking to your children about him or her. Children do not need, or want, to hear mommy call daddy a bad name or the other way around. Do not use your children as messengers. They have absolutely no business telling mommy that daddy said to tell her to pick them up early Friday. Daddy needs to pick up the phone and deliver that message himself. You are adults and need to act like it.

Lead By Example
Some of you may read this and think it's great information, but unfortunately, you have a dramatic, mud-slinging ex. Lead by example. Just as you would do with your child, you may have to apply the same theory with your ex. Don't expect results immediately. Just like with a child learning their manners by watching you, you have to repeatedly apply being the bigger person for your ex.

Discussing Fault-Admitting Yours and Moving On
If things are particularly bad after a separation or divorce and fault is constantly being brought up in front of children, make time to hash it out without them being witness. The best way to move on and focus on what is best for children is to admit your fault in the marriage ending. If you are the party not at fault, don't push the other. They will do it when they are ready. You may wait a long time for this, but in the meantime it doesn't need to be thrown out there constantly, especially when the kids are there to witness it. What's done is done and mud slinging doesn't make you feel better, make the other party feel worse, or make it go away.

Opening Negotiations
Most split couples have to leave this to the court to decide because they can't stop arguing long enough to consider what is best for the children. However, it will be much easier on everyone involved, especially the children, if custody, visitation, child support, holidays and so on is agreed upon before having the court record it. You must at least try to agree on part of the issues, if not all of them. If you go to court completely in disagreement, the court will decide for the children what is best, and neither of you may like it. Wouldn't it be better for the two of you to decide what is best than a judge who doesn't even know the family?

When agreeing to attempt negotiations, there should be time allotted to think about it and a time to sit and discuss it. Be reasonable. Be as willing to listen to your ex-spouses' wants as you want them to be listening to yours. Take into consideration what the children want and need. Be willing to give in certain areas if want to take in others. Make a list of what you want and make a mental note of what you are willing to accept. It's negotiation, so negotiate. After a private discussion on the issues with both parties, if in agreement on all, sit the children down and let them know what is going on. They do not need to be involved, however, in monetary issues. Some children look at it as putting a price on them. Don't go there.

Going To Court-Choosing Your Battles
If you have already agreed on all issues and you are going to court to have it recorded, congratulations. If you are not in agreement on all issues, choose your battles wisely. You know your ex better than any lawyer or official in the courthouse, and likewise, he or she knows you better. If you are planning on arguing that he or she is an unfit parent, be prepared to back that up. If your idea of 'unfit' is because your ex is already seeing someone else and you're hot under the collar about it, don't punish the children. As badly as it can sting to know that he or she is already dating, you have to consider if they would allow someone unworthy to be around your children. You should speak to your ex about the affect of bringing a new person into the relationship so soon may have on the children and suggest waiting before introducing them to one another. Again, if you can't agree, the court will decide what is best for the children.

As badly as you may be hurting, do not punish the children through visitation. You may think you're hurting your ex and you may very well be hurting him or her, but in the process you hurt your children. Is your vengeance really worth that? Visitation is a tough topic. The biggest variable to consider is how close the non-custodial parent will be to the children location wise. Every-other-weekend is best used for the non-custodial parent that has a long drive to see the kids. If this is the case, make sure the children get to talk to that parent regularly. Children make a smoother transition with divorce if they can keep mom or dad up to date on what is going on in their lives. For situations where the non-custodial parent lives closer, then more visitations should be permitted. A popular schedule is every-other-weekend and a couple days a week for the evening. This is a great scenario for kids. They don't feel like they are missing out on one parent and the parent doesn't feel like they are missing out on the children.

Whatever schedule of visitation you decide on, down the road, you may to some extent look forward to your 'time off' and feel guilty. Don't. As long as you make good use of the time you spend with them, it's okay to also take advantage of your time off.

Consistency and Rules
Younger children need as much consistency as possible. You and your ex should have the same set of rules for both households. As the children get older, you can deviate a little bit from this. Both households need the same 'common sense' rules and then you can have your own set of household rules for small things. Here are some examples:

Basic Rules-These are some 'common sense' rules and should be applied with both households.
Don't talk to strangers.
No running/horseplay in the house.
Clean up after yourself.

Household Rules For Mom's House-Keep it simple.
No phone calls after 8pm.
No t.v. after 8pm.
Computer use limited to 1 hour per day.

Household Rules For Dad's house-Keep it simple.
No phone calls after 9pm.
No t.v. after 9pm.
Computer use limited to 30 minutes per day.

Discuss often with your ex what the rules for his or her house is and what your rules are and see if you can keep it simple for the kids.

No matter where you are in a separation or divorce, it's not going to be easy for you or your children. As infuriating as your ex may be, don't give into his or her attempts to work you up. As said before, lead by example. Children will not get anything good from hearing parents yell profanities at one another or talk badly behind each other's backs.

Sources: Sandra Sheppard