Being Sensitive to Couples Dealing with Infertility

Once you deal with infertility, it doesn't matter if you have a dozen kids--it sticks with you.

I was talking to a friend recently. She's having trouble getting pregnant. Some person had given her the standard, stellar advice that anyone who's been trying to get pregnant for a while dreads: "just relax and have lots of sex."

People who give that advice and think they are being helpful annoy me. Yeah, that works for a lot of people, and it probably will work for you. But 1 in 8 couples deals with infertility, so it's not always so easy. And the assumption that it is bothers me.

Besides, even with totally fertile couples, the chances of getting pregnant in any given month are around 20%.

My friend said her "advisor" was trying to be funny. That is what some people do, after all, when faced with a problem they can't do anything about. They make jokes and try to lighten the mood. But sometimes, it's just not appropriate, and with something as private as someone else's reproduction, you can't be sure if it's appropriate or not.

You never know what an individual is dealing with or may deal with in the future. There are certain subjects that really should not be joked about unless you are 100% sure that you know how your comments will be received. Procreation, infertility, and adoption are all included in those topics.

Sure, you may think it's funny to tease your sister-in-law about when she's going to start a family. Maybe it is. Probably it is. But it's also possible that she and your brother have been TRYING to start a family for quite some time now, and that every time you ask the question you pour salt on a wound that hurts quite enough on it's own, thanks.

You may think it's funny to ask your brother-in-law what's taking so long? "Are you shooting blanks?" Yeah, I'm sure you meant that as a joke--but what if he is? How do you think your joke made him feel?

Maybe you mean well by telling your cousin that if she would just relax/take a vacation/focus on something else/try a random herb or vitamin, you're sure she'd get pregnant right away. But when you say that, you're just implying that something she is doing wrong is causing her to be childless. In addition, there may be an actual medical diagnosis you don't know about. This is a pretty private matter, and not everyone chooses to share personal information with the world. No amount of relaxing is going to remove scarring from fallopian tubes or suddenly create sperm if there isn't any. In those cases, it's kind of like telling a person with a broken leg just to keep walking and it's sure to get better.

Perhaps you think an anecdote about someone you know who got pregnant after doing one of the above will make your friend feel better. However, if your friend and/or her spouse has a diagnosed problem that is preventing pregnancy, your advice will just seem trite and annoying and insensitive. It's kind of like telling someone with huge debt or expenses, "Don't worry. I know someone who was having a hard time and they won the lottery, so it can happen for you, too."

Even if the person is religious, hearing that it's God's will or that things happen in God's time does not help. Even if on some level we trust that God will answer our prayers, it does not help us to think we are being punished by God, or that for some reason God doesn't think we deserve a child.

Even if you yourself have adopted, it does not help when you ask why we don't just adopt. Actually, adoption is quite expensive, especially if a couple doesn't feel prepared to adopt an older child or a child with special needs. It takes a very long time to be selected by a birth mother, and then there's the fear that the birth mother will change her mind and you will experience that heartache. If a couple is open to adoption, it has to be because they feel it is right for them, not because someone (who probably has biological children themselves) suggests it. And in some cases (like mine), infertility treatments were actually less expensive than adoption because we were one of the fortunate couples whose insurance covered the cost. If we hadn't been, we might be waiting to adopt right now.

Most of the time I think people mean well when they do most of the above (with a few exceptions). Or they mean to be funny. But to those of us who want a child and for whatever reason, don't seem to be able to make one, it's not funny. And it doesn't become funny all of a sudden when, through whatever medical intervention or miracle, we have a child.

According to Resolve, 1 in 8 couples deals with infertility. That's a hell of a lot, people. So keep that in mind before you say things, even if you mean well.

I know this person was just trying to be funny. Most people are. I'd just ask that you think before speaking.

And please know that just because a person has children doesn't mean they didn't suffer with infertility. And it's not something that ever completely heals.