Being a Step-Parent When the Biological One Leaves

Being a stepparent is an absolutely wonderful feeling, although it can definitely be trying at times. I walked into an instant family relationship, as my husband now had a two year old son from a previous relationship. The biological mother was in and out of his life at that time and had signed over guardianship of him. I didn't know who she was, nor would I meet her for about five months.

Now, I understand how this poor little boy just wanted a mommy so bad. I really do. Some of my husband's family wanted to know if it was ok if he called me "Mom". I still don't know if I offended any of them when I told them no, but I wasn't comfortable with it. Personally, I didn't mind, but I didn't want to confuse him any more. I had told them that I didn't want that until he did it on his own while he understood the situation.

Now, to some of you, that may sound harsh, but it has all worked out. To him, I am "Mom". He started calling me this on his own at about 5 years old. It was never talked about, as it just happened one day and never stopped. We also have 2 other children as well together, but it has never been discussed about them being "half" siblings. We're a family, and that's all there is to it.

His biological mother also has another son, who she also walked away from and her mother adopted. There's a little girl too, who she does have custody of. Our son asks about them once in awhile, and we tell him the truth. That is the most important thing to remember when dealing with this type of situation. Kids are smarter than you think they are. They can sense things and they can understand so many things.

As of today, he hasn't seen his biological "oven", as my husband calls her, in 2 years. She also hasn't written, called, sent cards, gifts, or anything else. Now, our son, at this point, acts like it doesn't bother him. I know it does - how can it not? I can't imagine how it makes him feel. It seems like as it was longer and longer since she hadn't seen him, he would start showing more anger towards me. I couldn't figure it out at all. Then through talking to various people in this situation and just observing everything, I figured it out.

He is very hurt and upset about his biological mother. Since I am the mother figure in his life, he more or less takes it out on me. This makes it very difficult when we're trying to teach him to respect his parents. One thing that helped us greatly was when I went to talk to him about everything. I had never gotten that involved in the details about his biological mother before, but it was time. There were tears shed between us both. It felt good to get it out for both of us as well. Since then, it seems that he can talk to me a little easier now. We're still working on respect, but he knows that if he needs to talk, I am here.

There have been more and more times lately that he has come up to me and said, "Mom, can I talk to you about some stuff?" I know then, that's my queue for a heart to heart. I love it that he knows he can trust me. It helped our relationship immensely. He asks me about her and I tell him the truth. He asks where she is and I tell him that I honestly don't know. It has gotten to the point where he calls his biological mother by her first name. Now, I do correct that, but he says that I am his mom. He knows that I am his step mom, but he doesn't like to call me that. It's perfectly fine with me now. In fact, it feels very good. He also knows what's going on with his own life though too at this point.

A huge step in our parent to child relationship was when he had a family tree assignment to do for school. My husband helped him with his side and figured they were done with the assignment. He then asked my husband if he knew "Mom's family tree." My husband continued to tell him that he couldn't help him with that and that he would let the teacher know what the situation is, so he wouldn't have to worry about it.

At that point, he told my husband, "Why? Mom won't give me her family names?"

My husband said, "I don't know how to get a hold of her."

To that he replied, "But she's out in the living room, Dad."

He asked me to help him finish his family tree with my family names. I was honored and amazed. He never even questioned the fact at all. When it was all done with, I was tucking him in that night and he said to me, "Mom, I know you're not my real mom, but I don't know where my real mom is. Is that ok?" Of course I cried and he kept asking me what was wrong. To explain to a child that nothing is wrong at all is tough to do when they see tears.

To all those stepparents out there who are struggling in the same situation I am in; realize that you are important in the child's life. More than you know, probably. It is one of the best feelings in the world when a child who wasn't born feeling this way about you, feels this way because they WANT to.

This article is an example of my personal experience and findings in my own situation. It may not apply to everyone. Every situation is different and well as every child. Children handle things in their own ways at their own pace. If it takes time to bond like this, be patient. You will not regret it and it is worth waiting for. Be honored and proud to be a hero in that child's eyes.