Being Transgender

I am transgender. For most of the people I have met, I am either the first transgendered person they know or at most one of the few. Many people have lots of questions and unsurprisingly not very many answers. This can often be due to feeling it is too awkward or too inappropriate to ask their questions when they get a chance.

That is why I will be taking the first step and discuss some of the common questions I've been asked. Please keep in mind that most of these answers will be about me and my experiences. A lot of these answers may vary from person to person so just as not everyone who is like you do not assume everyone is like me.

What do you mean you're transgender?

That's probably most people's first question and most likely because it is the most important question since we need to know what we are talking about before we can talk about it.

When I say I am transgender what I am specifically saying is that while I have the physical anatomy of a male I do not feel like I am a male. This is not to say that I simply feel inadequate, as many people I've talked to automatically assume. It is not simply that I do not feel like I am "a real man" and maybe growing bigger muscles or acting more macho or adhering to any other societal standards of masculinity would resolve this. My mind tells me I am a woman.

Ah, so what you're saying is you want to act more feminine?

Well, technically yes but that is not what I was saying. It is not simply a question of acting more or less masculine or feminine but much more an actual conflict. You can act feminine and still feel male and you can act masculine and still feel female. What I am describing is a disconnect, not just acting feminine but actually being female.

That doesn't make any sense.

You're telling me! All sarcasm aside I understand the confusion and a large part of the difficulty in explaining it and understanding it comes from how the English language works. We have words to describe physical characteristics, personality traits, ways of behaving, and even some feelings but unfortunately many of these words and ideas overlap and thus it can be very hard to talk about one and not the others.

One of the best ways I can think of dealing with this language issue is to define specific terms. We can talk about sex being the physical characteristics while gender is about feelings or identity. So using those terms what I'm saying is while I am sex male I am gender female.

That's still confusing.

Yeah, I know and that is probably because for most people sex and gender are aligned. This would be similar to trying to describe sunlight to someone who has spent their entire life in the dark. If you don't have a point of reference it might be nearly impossible to fully understand.

Alright, I guess I understand what you're saying. So, does this mean you're gay?

Technically I am bisexual but adding sexual orientation on to this topic can make everything very confusing. If I'm in a relationship with a male is that a homosexual relationship? We are both males based on sex so in that regard yes but what about the fact I am gender female? What about if I'm in a relationship with a female? We are both of different sexes but we are both of the same gender so does that make that relationship a homosexual one?

My solution to that whole dilemma is to simply not care. Every relationship is different for everyone so why do I need to muddy it up.

That's kind of confusing. In fact, all the answers so far have been kind of confusing. Is that a pattern?

You're dead on with that one. Being transgender has made my life very confusing and at times rather difficult. Sometimes it is hard to know whether I'm trying to get that nice new woman I just met at the bar to be my girlfriend or my "girlfriend."

That was a joke, right?

Yes and no. I did specifically phrase it that way for humorous purposes but the point I was trying to make is a true one.

This all sounds pretty stressful.

It sure can be. Even little innocent things can suddenly blow up into huge stressful ones. For example, what if I help one of my coworkers with a problem and afterwards they tell me I'm "a good guy." To them it is just a simple compliment and I know it was intended to be friendly but now my stomach is twisting into knots because I just helped you and you responded by calling me a "guy." Should I be angry? No. Am I angry? Yes.

And that doesn't even begin to cover the stress of looking in the mirror.

The mirror?

Oh yeah. During most the day my awareness of myself is almost completely mental. I don't see myself, I only feel myself. That is until I look in the mirror and see my reflection, a reflection of a body that doesn't match how my mind views it.

So you probably don't own any mirrors then.

No, I own a few mirrors. I don't like it but I can't go to work looking like I just got out of bed.

When I feel stressed out or sad I talk to people about it. Can you talk to people when being transgender is making you stressed out or sad?

Yes, but there are not a lot of people I feel comfortable talking to. If you've read something I wrote describing what happened when I first came out regarding being bisexual you'll know that the first two people I told were my best friend and someone who was then a fairly new female friend of mine. I've told both of them that I'm transgender and I feel I can talk with them about it. In fact I just talked to my best friend the other day about this and my female friend has made half joking comments in the past about how nice it is to have "another woman in the house."

If you had been given the choice to be born a biological female, would you have?

Yes. Hands down, no questions asked.

How long have you been transgender?

Probably my whole life or at least as far back as I can remember. I repressed it most of my life but it's always found ways of coming out. Whether it was having mostly female friends as a very small child or having weird dreams and playing a female character in dungeons and dragons as a repressed teen it has always been there.

I'm sure this will be more then enough for most people to chew on for now, especially those who have never considered the topic of the life of a transgender person. I know I said it earlier and this time it may sound cliché but I feel I have to end by repeating myself.

This has all been specifically about me and my life. Your experience may differ.