Being a True Friend: What it Does Not Mean

We all have our own ideas about what it means to be a true friend. There are no set guidelines to follow, but most of us tend to agree upon certain things. Unfortunately many of the things we believe being a true friend entails can actually damage our friendships and ourselves in the long run.

What are these things and why are they harmful to our friendships? You'll find the answers below.

Always Yielding to Our Friends' Desires

You and your friend are deciding what to do tonight; your friend suggests something but you don't want to do it. After enough begging and pressure, you give in and do it anyways.

Far too often, we believe that being a good friend means setting aside our own desires in favor of what our friends want. This may be ok on occasion, but if this happens on a regular basis, you can be certain that the friendship is headed down the drain.

Being a true friend does not require you to constantly cast aside your own wants in favor of your friends. Doing so does not prove selflessness or loyalty; it only demonstrates fear and insecurity. You must value and respect yourself enough to speak up for yourself and what you want. If you don't nobody else will.

Letting Hurtful Behavior Slide

Another misconception about being a true friend is that we must continually excuse our friends regardless of how many times they hurt us. I know what many of you are thinking: "But doesn't the Bible even say that we should?" You are most likely referring to Matthew 18: 21 & 22, where Jesus tells Peter to forgive not seven but, seventy seven times. The thing is, forgiving doesn't mean that you must continue to allow the damaging behavior to occur.

If someone is repeatedly hurting you, you do not have to let it continue. Allowing the abuse to carry on, does not demonstrate love or true friendship. You might have heard it said that, "even an abuser is abused if his abuse is allowed to continue." It's true. If we let someone repeatedly do harm to us physically, mentally, or emotionally we are basically saying it is ok. They'll keep doing it, and in the end it will damage them just as much as it does us. Putting an end to it shows a far greater act of love and true friendship (for more information about hurtful behavior in friendships see the link on the left What to do When a Friend Hurts You listed under resources).

Always Running to the Rescue

Maybe a friend is in need of some money, but you really don't have the ability to loan it to them. Do you skip a payment or put off that Doctor's visit, so that you can give them the money?

You have plans to go out with your family tonight and your friend calls you up and asks you to babysit while she goes out. Do you cancel your plans to help her?

I am not saying that helping our friends is wrong. One of the wonderful things about friendships is that we can be there for each other. Nevertheless, if you consistently find yourself in situations like the ones mentioned above, it could be a real problem.

You and your family should not suffer or go without so that your friend does not. It is important to be honest with our friends. If you don't have the money, kindly explain that to them. Don't give them money anyways and then feel miserable because you now do not have enough. You will start to resent your friend if this happens too often. A true friend will understand when you aren't able to help and they won't hold it against you.

Taking Sides Even When Your Friend is Wrong

Somewhere along the line, we got the crazy idea that we have to back up our friends regardless of whether their stance is right or wrong. This is simply not true.

If a friend is lying about something that could potentially harm another, or wants to do something you know could seriously hurt them or someone else, you are under no obligation to offer your support. Sticking with the truth and what you feel is right is more important than taking sides with a friend.

These are just some of the things that many feel are important to friendships when in fact they are detrimental. Being a true friend does not mean denying ourselves in order to keep someone else happy. If we do this we'll become physically and emotionally drained.

To be a true friend we have to value ourselves as much as we do others. When we care about ourselves and treat ourselves well, we're a lot happier. When we're happier, we are better friends and tend to have better friends. So, don't leave yourself out of the equation.