Benefits of Having a Sibling

I am not sure how many parents anticipate the competition that wages between two or more siblings before they go ahead and decide to have that second baby. I know I didn't. I was more concerned about how I was going to juggle everything and starting the sleepless nights over again.

But it wasn't long after the birth of our second daughter, that sibling rivalry reared its head. The youngest is an independent, fiercely possessive toddler now, and our days our punctuated with cries of "Mom! She took it from me!" and "Eeeeeeehhhh!" (apparently toddler-speak for "Mom, she took it from me.")

Experts on family dynamics say that some sibling fighting is normal. They even go so far to say that on some level, no matter how much they are screaming, the siblings involved actually enjoy their rivalry. Sibling rivalry is definitely a real thing, and it's important for parents to know how to handle sibling rivalry in advance.

But lest we think that life with two or more children is all about the fighting, it isn't. There are many benefits to growing up with a brother or sister. Surprisingly enough, almost all the research is done on the crippling effects of sibling rivalry. Very little has been studied about the flip side of sibling rivalry.

In a national study that looked at more than 20,000 children, kindergarten teachers noted consistent results in students who had at least one sibling. The results didn't seem to vary if the sibling was same sex or opposite; older or younger; or one sibling or two.

The advantages that having a sibling gave to the beginning students were such things as:

*Children with a sibling were better able to make and maintain friendships. This is a crucial skill in life, not just in kindergarten. But being able to make friends early in the school year is a criteria for success.

*Children with siblings got along with people who were different than themselves. Once again, this is a vital skill for any path in life.

*A child with a sibling tended to comfort and help other children more than an only child.

*A child with siblings were able to express their feelings more positively. This skill was no doubt honed by having to tell Mom how you felt in 10 seconds or less while your sister was still crying.

*Children with a sibling showed more sensitivity to and awareness of other people's feelings. Emotional awareness is a good early indicator of lifelong happiness and success.

Now you are ready to go out and have another baby so your cherished child will improve his or her social skills, right? It's important to point out that making sure young children have opportunities to play and interact with other children is another path to improving social skills in the young. Parents of an only child shouldn't necessarily have another one to create sibling advantage.

Why is having a sibling good for you? Well, sibling relationships are uninhibited, highly familiar, and very, very intense. This type of relationship brings its share of both problems and benefits. Even during intense sibling rivalry, having a brother or sister is like someone having your back. A sibling can offer support, love, friendship, and understanding on a level that a parent or friend simply cannot.

Sibling rivalry, and the interactions that arise from this intense competition, gives an unparalleled environment in which to develop the social skills of comforting, cooperating and sharing. While it is uncomfortable and stressful for parents to listen to, deal with, and manage this type of conflict, the advantages of raising children in this environment are real. One of the reasons may be that, unlike friends, you tend to be stuck with a sibling, so you get a great chance to learn how to manage conflict and negotiate solutions.

So the next time I hear "Mo-o-om, she's got my Dora doll!" or the high pitched scream that signals "someone's taking my stuff", I'll take a deep breath and imagine the brilliant lawyers, writers, or even actresses they will be some day.