Benefits of Open Adoption: A Birth Mother's Insight

Our story was not as common as it is today when I placed a child for adoption in September 1997.

I first learned of open adoption just weeks before even imagining I was pregnant. As I read about it in a magazine article, I noted that this adds a nice fourth option to the traditional three: parent, terminate, or place baby in the proverbial black hole of the universe, never to be seen again-otherwise known as closed adoption-for women in crisis pregnancy situations.
I'd observed many cases where a woman would settle for an option that really didn't suit her simply because it was more bearable than the black hole scenario.

What have I done?
When it was my turn to be in this boat, the article on open adoption was still fresh in my mind. Being fully aware that my life circumstances would offer nothing but injustice to a child who didn't even ask to be here, I knew I could not parent at that time.
The father felt much the same. Our carelessness that led to the situation reflected our level of personal responsibility. He left it to me to decide what to do next.

My choice
I found an excellent adoption agency that got me started on the journey to finding this child the parents that he deserved. Once much paperwork and the first trimester of pregnancy were completed, I was educated on what exactly is open adoption, and given plenty of necessary counsel - counsel I couldn't fully appreciate the necessity of until later.

One aspect of open adoption I loved was that I could choose the famiy who was to raise the child. Based on my criteria, I was given several personal profiles created by families ready to adopt.
Each included a letter from themselves to the birthparent(s), photos of themselves and their homes, pets and families, along with a brief "bio." I enjoyed reading and looking at these, all such lovely families to which any child would be blessed to belong. It was a warm realization that there are so many loving homes waiting to receive children.
I had to look through several, though, before finding the family that felt like the right one for me. This family I chose to meet.

Another aspect of open adoption, is that prospective adoptive parents and birthparents are encouraged to connect and begin a dialogue to conclude whether or not both parties are comfortable with one another and wish to proceed. In our case we did just that.

The relationship
Provided for myself and the adoptive parents was a counselor who assisted in the development of this relationship. She met with us regularly on an individul basis, and sometimes all together. It was helpful for both parties to fully consider and respect the others' concerns and possible plight in light of what was at stake for everyone. I came to hold this couple dear to my heart, and they did the same to me.

Another issue to be discussed was the extent of contact there would be after placement. Our adoption was one of full disclosure, meaning location and contact information was exhanged. They knew where I lived, and I would know where they lived (not in the same state). I requested that I receive regular pictures and updates, and some phone contact. They were comfortable with that.

The birthday
Even with all the counseling and preparation for the grief I was to expect, it was a tremendously painful blow I had not anticipated when I held this child in my arms and looked at him, knowing I would not be taking him home. That just feels so wrong to the female human. The circumstances had not changed, they only hurt more.

I was aware this couple was coming to the hospital for one of the happiest occasions of their lives, and not only was I concerned about raining on their parade with my tears, but I didn't want them to be frightened by my sadness and think I was going to change my mind.
The counselor encouraged me to be honest and not attempt to hide my feelings, to let them know that yes, this is incredibly painful, but it's still the right thing to do. This was still not my time to parent, I would get another chance later when I'd be more fit.

It meant so much to me that they were compassionate and sympathetic to my pain.
They made me feel valued and appreciated, and they thanked me for the gift I was giving them. I knew they would be wonderful parents to this precious boy.

Now
I've been able to watch this boy grow to nine years old so far, and I am so thankful that he got the chance to experience this carefree, happy childhood. I love to get the pictures and I'm in regular contact with the parents.
Since these people knew me and had established a relationship with me prior to the placement, they haven't had a fear in the back of their minds that some woman was going to pop up out of nowhere and demand her child back. The open communication helped them to know what to expect from me, and vice-versa.

The boundaries have always been respected as well: I acknowledged by relinquishing my parental rights that these are his parents, and I will not interfere in their lives.
My role is that of yet another person to love this boy. He knows who I am, and can always know that I did not abandon him. As it should be, he doesn't feel a need to have a whole lot to do with me. His family life leaves him wanting for nothing, which is what I wanted for him. These people have not been merely babysitting my child, he has been and will always be their child.

I finally grew up, got married and eventually my time to parent came. I had the special privilege of taking my baby home from the hospital. My time is now.