Best of AC: Humor Award Acceptance Speech

You might think a guy who has won a Pulitzer Prize and has been named People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" wouldn't care much about an award like BEST OF AC: HUMOR. And you'd probably be right. But as I've said many times, I'm in the business of making up crap and-this may shock you!-the Pulitzer, Sexiest Man and upcoming Nobel Prize awards mentioned in my bio are nothing more than made up crap.

So when I learned that I had indeed won the April, 2010 BEST OF AC: HUMOR Award, I was taken aback. "Holy crap!" I said. "Have they lost their freakin' minds?"

I never win anything-I mean anything real. I've won a ton of crap in my warped little made-up world, but a real award is totally foreign to me. And then I learned I will actually be given $100 for this. One hundred bucks in one fell swoop for my writing! The last time anyone gave me that much money for anything was back when I was a male prostitute-and of course I blew it all right away on crack.

But where was the proof I'd actually won? All I had was a personal comment from Darnell saying I had been selected, but hell, it was only Darnell-he's like at the bottom of the food chain at AC just above the guy who cleans the toilets. What the hell does he know? I make up crap all the time-maybe Darnell does too. I needed proof.

Then I went to my profile page and saw that beautiful "Best of AC 2010" badge, broadcasting to anyone who visits my page that I am not just your average AC writer, but the BEST OF AC: HUMOR-at least for the year 2010. "It's gotta be true!" I thought. "They wouldn't be going through the trouble of updating my profile page just for a practical joke!" Oh that beautiful badge-I can't wait until I receive the actual trophy! I've already cleared a spot on the mantel right next to my booger collection.

So now it's time for me to give thanks...

To my loyal fans who have taken the time to read and comment on my articles. Without you, I'm just another writer at AC-not the BEST OF AC: HUMOR.

To those of you who were moved to nominate me for BEST OF AC: HUMOR, I am truly humbled. I promise you that despite this honor, I will continue to be just that regular guy you've always known-a regular guy who happens to be the BEST OF AC: HUMOR.

Finally, I thank Associated Content for allowing me a platform on which to write the kind of crap that has earned me the title of the BEST OF AC: HUMOR-the kind of crap that would scare away most other content sites. I will forever be grateful and I sincerely mean it when I say that I will treasure this award even more than my booger collection.

But then, as I said before, I'm in the business of making up crap.