Best of Bad Rock & Roll Themed Movies

Be they indulgent, plot-free, goofy, tasteless, or completely devoid of production values, there are some rock & roll films that do not deserve to be seen by anyone. Yet we watch them time and time again. There's still something about the bands, the music, the period, or the decadent aura of rock itself that keeps these movies in the "guilty pleasures" file. Here are the best of the worst rock & roll movies.

The Song Remains the Same

(1976, Peter Clifton and Joe Massot, Led Zeppelin)

This movie, basically a loving tribute to each band member's adolescent fantasies of badassery, wrote the book on indulgence. It includes spectacular concert footage from the Houses of the Holy tour and also features a few interesting backstage moments with a boisterous, ball-busting Peter Grant, the band's longtime manager.

The reason this movie falls into the so-bad-it's-good pile, however, lies in the "fantasy sequences" concocted to shed a light on each band member's innermost dreams and aspirations. Interspersed with film of the band rocking out and Grant kicking promoter ass, these scenes are as overblown as any repressed, d20-rolling 14-year-old would want. Grant and Cole, the group's tour manager, take on the personas of 1930s gangsters/hitmen for their sequence. John Paul Jones does a sumptuously ridiculous, quite baroque masked horseman bit. Jimmy Page was filmed climbing a snow-capped mountain under a full moon, while Bonzo's fantasies involve spending time with his family and drag racing an AA Fueler-rather sweet, really.

But nothing tops Robert Plant's epic Beowulf-rescues-the-maiden adventure. Dressed like something from Lord of the Rings, Plant stumbles upon some mushrooms in the woods. From there, it's all horseback riding on the beach, hunting serfs with a falcon, sword fighting a bearded brute, ascending a tall tower to rendezvous with a buck-toothed blonde, and "accidentally" torching a castle.

After watching that, "The Immigrant Song" really seems much less pompous.

RATING: 80 percent cool; 15 percent mildly incongruous; 5 percent Robert Plant Is the Biggest Geek in the World.

Rock N' Roll High School

(1979, Allan Arkush, the Ramones, P.J. Soles)

With a plot that wouldn't satisfy a kindergarten student, this extended music video features the one-dimensional filmic version of the Ramones and a cast that is anything but punk rock. Plus, it prominently features one of the silliest songs of the Ramones' replete-with-silliness catalogue, "Rock N' Roll High School" itself.

After a string of principals suffer nervous breakdowns due to students' zealous love for rock & roll, one girl student, Riff Randall (as portrayed by a 29-year-old P.J. Soles), waits three days in line to buy a ticket for a Ramones show. The current principal then confiscates Riff's ticket. The Ramones end up taking over the school, and a riot ensues.

There's a vague high school romance subplot, but the movie predates the more sex-infused and gross-out teen comedies from the decade(s) to follow. The most important part of the film is that the school blows up at the end. For a film with zero connection to the drama, thriller, or action genres, this is quite a turn of events.

Silly plot aside, who doesn't love the Ramones? The soundtrack includes 32 great songs, 13 of them performed by the Ramones. Joey, Johnny, Dee Dee, and Marky's onscreen appearances alone make the film worth seeing.

RATING: To be used in lieu of Hanna-Barbera cartoons for a pop punk Saturday morning experience.

Wayne's World

(1992, Penelope Spheeris, Mike Meyers, Dana Carvey)

Party time! Excellent! I can't even read the words "Wayne's World" without feeling a stupidly lightheaded rush of hair metal exuberance and sputtering off a string of Gen-X catch phrases like an Aerosmith-worshipping stoner. I am in love with this little gem; it's the thinking metalhead's Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Drawn from a series of successful Saturday Night Live sketches, Wayne's World was recently described by a friend of mine as consisting of five great jokes that may or may not be worth the wait. Nevertheless, I'm not the only one who takes adolescent joy in the "Bohemian Rhapsody" sequence, the "Stairway to Heaven" gag, and the deliberately dumb anti-plot.

Speaking of the plot, it's a rather simple affair involving the protagonists, an evil corporate foil, and a hot chick. The white Stratocaster is sweet; Tia Carrere is hot; Meyers and Carvey are hilarious in their big-screen debut. Plus, if not for this flick, "Bohemian Rhapsody" wouldn't have experienced its soaring revival in sales and popularity.

RATING: Schwing!

Velvet Goldmine

(1998, Todd Haynes, Christian Bale, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Ewan McGregor)

Break out your lavender spandex unitard: It's glam/shock/gay rock!

In the tradition of slash fanfic and embarrassing pubescent erotica, here is a rock odyssey based on an imagined relationship between characters resembling Iggy Pop and David Bowie (with other contemporary pop icons drawn in to flesh out and inform the reading) in their early-70s heyday. Featuring enough feathers and glitter to furnish another version of Dreamgirls, the sumptuous period costuming is both laughable and freakishly hot, adding to the ambience of this lush bonbon of cultural masturbation.

The plot is sumptuous and dark, slightly Victorian, slightly silly, taking great pains to pay a rather ham-fisted homage to the film's patron saint, Oscar Wilde; and the whole affair is run through a wash of Citizen Kane and Ziggy Stardust. Still, there's something pornographically intriguing about straight boys making out. And don't miss the just-this-side-of-a-cameo appearance by the granddaddy of mainstream transvestism, Eddie Izzard.

RATING: If straight, watch alone. If gay, still, you might want to watch this one alone.

A Hard Day's Night

(1964, Richard Lester, the Beatles, and Wilfred Brambell as McCartney's quite clean grandfather)

It's hard to call this movie bad. It's absolutely charming, and the young Beatles are delightful to watch. Though replete with nonsensical running gags, catchy pop musical segments, and smashing wardrobe choices, this escapist frolic is essentially plotless.

Here's a synopsis: John, Paul, George, and Ringo sling mild teenage sass at authority figures and intermittently try to escape their professional obligations while avoiding mobs of crazed girls. An interesting subplot is provided as Paul's "quite clean" grandfather breeds dissension, skirts a breach-of-promise suit, and attempts to lead astray the impressionable Ringo.

The rabid, Tipper Gore-flavored film review site ScreenIt.com cites the lads as having "occasionally a slightly smart aleck attitude." Egads! Needless to elaborate, the film's humor and overall ambience is sweet and mild. Except for that one part where John mimes insulfation over a bottle of Coca Cola. I guess ScreenIt.com missed that one...

RATING: Quite clean.

Sid and Nancy

(1986, Alex Cox, Gary Oldman, Chloe Web)

This highly romanticized and inaccurate piece of anti-drug propaganda centers on the lives and romance of Sid Vicious, "bassist" for the Sex Pistols, and Nancy Spungen, the most incoherent groupie ever. Their story is as fascinating as it is revolting. The whole film is an anarchistic cyclone of destroyed property, wasted substance, and grubby morality, which makes for a fairly authentic representation of the punk ethos' icky flip side. Then it gets all depressing with the heroin-and-death part.

Really, who wouldn't want to watch something that nihilistic and sordid? Pop the corn and save me a seat.

Johnny Rotten, the Pistols' lead singer, famously lambasted the director, whom he apparently felt should have been assigned a berth in the lower circles of hell for the egregious crimes of fiction perpetrated during the telling of this story. And sadly, the soundtrack contains no Sex Pistols whatever.

Still for its nonstop, sweeping depravity and Chloe Webb's ear-grating rendition of that voice, it's yet another bad movie I can't stop watching.

RATING: Good for a night of vicarious anarchy.

Well, that's my guilty treasure trove. Leave a comment below and share your favorite horror show of a rock & roll movie.