Best Gifts for the Malcontent Under $20

Everyone knows The Malcontent, that elusive fellow who just can't seem to settle down. When you see The Malcontent, he's quiet, very polite, but not very personable. Consequently you have no idea what his likes and dislikes are, so secretive is he about his proclivities. In an effort to help provide better holidays for malcontents everywhere, I am about to share these secrets with you. I will take you deep into the epic caverns of the Malcontent's psyche, where we will confront his inner child and make it squeal.

To attempt to please the malcontent we must first realize that the malcontent is perpetually displeased with himself. So we can use the formula: Let A be The Malcontent and Let Y be You, the gift giver. Now also let G be the gift. So that Y-$=G and G+A= Thoughts of Non-A. For you see the malcontent wants nothing more than to be forgotten by himself. This is the reason for the malcontent's many foolish endeavors, which are inevitably escapes from the self or the perceived constraints on self.

Gift Idea #1: Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass, The Modern Library Edition

Walt Whitman is the ultimate poetry superhero. When life has ceased throwing lemons at you and has begun to hurl melons, you need a little something extra. This is the constant condition of the malcontent. This is why Walt Whitman, with his boundless sense of joy and freedom, is like DMT to the spirit of our great and weighty soul'd friend. Whitman allows us to experience pure innocent joyousness. Even if he has the book, the Modern Libray edition is handsome and is travel size.

Gift Idea #2: Straight Outta Compton, by NWA

These social misfits are still offensive even by today's standards, which is a plus in my book. Also if we remember the malcontent's escapist tendencies, then the gift makes perfect sense because the Malcontent is highly unlikely to be a black gangster.

Gift Idea#3: The CIA and the Cult of Intelligence or The Illuminati Trilogy

This again plays into the fantastic mind of the malcontent. Strung high with self loathing and paranoia, he will find it healthy to take out his aggression on a phantom government, or alien puppet masters, or both. Be careful though, if you find him speaking to you in hushed tones about The Lizard Masters or some rubbish like that, he's lost his mind. Seek assistance, he may believe you to be an undercover lizard agent and attack you.

Gift Idea#4: Cthulhu for President Bumper Sticker

Don't know who Cthulhu is? Never heard of the Necronomicon? Most haven't, which is one reason why the malcontent loves the dark lord so much. He also loves to brood over the political issues of the day. Be he conservative or liberal, the malcontent fancies himself a politico. With this bumper sticker, you won't have to insult his sensitive nature by implying that he is in one camp or the other. Accept No Lesser Evil.

Gift Idea#5: A field guide to Psychedelic Mushrooms

Whether or not it is wise to give someone a gift like this, is not my desire to debate. I don't know what happened to the Malcontent. Maybe he read Alice in Wonderland once too many times. Perhaps he watched Cheech and Chong's up in smoke at an impressionable age. But the fact remains, that he and those like have a desire to get krunk. Also, the photographs are just lovely.

So, wrap it up in some sleek black wrapping paper with a snow white bow and bingo bango, you're done baby. Your malcontented friend will show you what he considers love to be and probably take your name off his hit list.