Best Seinfeld Season 1 and 2 Quotes

Pilot

George: You're gonna "overdry" it.
Jerry: You, you can't "overdry".
George: Why not?
Jerry: Same as you can't "overwet". You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry".

- "The Seinfeld Chronicles"

Season 1

Jerry: When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?"

- "The Stakeout"

Policeman: Well, Mr. Seinfeld, we'll look into it and, uh, we'll let you know if we find anything.
Jerry: Do you ever find anything?
Policeman: No.

- "The Robbery"

George: I know a guy who took a vacation on his change.
Jerry: Where'd he go, the arcade?

- "Male Unbonding"

Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed... I'm sure he's got super humor.

- "The Stock Tip"

Jerry: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!
Dry Cleaner: I shrunk it.

- "The Stock Tip"

Season 2

Jerry: What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

- "The Ex-Girlfriend"

Elaine: And what about the pony huh? What kind of abnormal animal is that? They're like big riding dogs.

- "The Pony Remark"

Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life.
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunched heterosexuality. It's fabulous.

- "The Jacket"

Jerry: I'm lactose intolerant. I have no tolerance for lactose... and I won't stand for it!

- "The Phone Message"

Jerry: People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals.

- "The Apartment"

George: Students can't clean. It's anathema. They don't like it.
Jerry: How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

- "The Statue"

Kramer: Well... Newman jumped last night.
Jerry: What? Did you talk to him? What did you say?
Kramer: I said "Wave when you pass my window."

- "The Revenge"

Elaine: Hey, where's Kramer?
Jerry: I don't know. That's like asking: where's Waldo?

- "The Heart Attack"

George: What's up with you?
Jerry: Nothing much. I slept with Elaine last night.
George: Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major!

- "The Deal"

George: Every woman on the face of the Earth has complete control of my life and yet, I want them all. Is that irony?

- "The Baby Shower"

Elaine: You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They feel so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you SICK!!
Jerry: Boy. You are REALLY hungry

- "The Chinese Restaurant"

Jerry: Are you still using that same old alarm clock?
Elaine: Oh no no, I bought a new one today. It's got everything! You oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face.

- "The Busboy"