Best Thanksgiving Jokes

If your Uncle Fred is a Rush Limbaugh ditto head and your cousin Serenity drives a Prius, it may be wise to avoid incendiary topics like politics and religion at your Thanksgiving table this year. Keep the conversation flowing with these funny Thanksgiving jokes (and lots of good wine).

Thanksgiving riddle
What do hippies put on their Thanksgiving turkey?
Groovy

Turkey farmer
A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding the perfect turkey, specifically one with more legs to satisfy his family's preference for dark meat. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was telling his friends about his recent success.

"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!"

His friends all asked the farmer how it tasted.

I don't know," said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Thanksgiving riddle
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course, buildings can't jump.

A Piece of Pumpkin Pie?
Jolene was only eight years old and lived way out in the country with her parents who rarely entertained any visitors. One day Jolene's mother said that her father was bringing two guests home for Thanksgiving supper.

After they had enjoyed the turkey, Jolene went to the kitchen to help her mother. She proudly brought out the first piece of pumpkin pie and gave it to her father, who then passed the plate to a guest.

When Jolene came out with the second piece and gave it to her father, he again gave it to a guest. This was too much for the little girl. "It's no use, Daddy," she cried. "The pieces are all the same size."

Thanksgiving riddle
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Thanksgiving Divorce
Eddie in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, "I'm sorry to tell you but your mother and I are getting a divorce. I just cannot tolerate any more of her constant complaining. We can't stand the sight of each other any more. I'm telling you first, Jerry, because you're the oldest. Please tell your sister."

When Jerry calls his sister Julie in Miami, she says: "No way are they getting divorced. I'll go there for Thanksgiving and talk them out of it."

Julie phones here father and tells him: 'You must not get divorced. Promise me you won't do anything until I get over there. I'm calling Jerry and we'll both be there with you tomorrow. Until then, don't take any action. Please listen to me." Then she hangs up.

The father puts down the phone, turns to his wife Frances and says. "Good news! Jerry and Julie are coming for Thanksgiving, and they're both paying their own way."

Thanksgiving riddle
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for everyone

Turkey tight end
A professional NFL team, the Philadelphia Eagles, had just finished its daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded to be given a chance to play at tight end. The coach was skeptical, but since his team was losing anyway, he decided to give the turkey a try.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're superb. Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," replied the turkey. "'What I want to know is, does your season go past Thanksgiving?"

Thanksgiving riddle
What happens when cranberries get depressed?
They turn into blueberries.

Thanksgiving riddle
Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such fowl language

The man who forgot to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

"Please let me in," the man pleads desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"Okay," 'says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers there's one last scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That one's too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer, waits a few minutes and then brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh, no," says the man. "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

Thanksgiving riddle
What's a turkey's favorite song?
I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

Thanksgiving quote
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year and then discover once a year is way too often. -- Johnny Carson

The blonde Thanksgiving dinner
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to replicate the tradition, she prepared a turkey dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Why... did it taste funny?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

(Click here for more dumb blonde jokes

Ode to Thanksgiving (makes a great Thanksgiving toast)
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Sources:
Dr Laura radio show
http://www.theholidayspot.com/thanksgiving/jokes.htm
http://www.quotesandjokes.com/thanksgiving-jokes.html
http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_thanksgiving.htm
http://www.ahajokes.com/blthx.html
http://quotations.about.com/od/specialdays/a/thanksgiving4.htm
http://www.jokecenter.com/jokes/Thanksgiving/4202.htm