Betting on the Presidential Election

The mule race that is the Run to the White House is in full swing right! We are a gambling nation and in order to assess who really has a chance of winning this thing, we not only need to think about the candidates as viable candidates but also as individuals who have the money and the connections to win.

Since I am a gambler, I can only think of this race like I think of any other race - - in terms of who has the necessary qualities to win.

In horse racing, the necessary qualities are: Speed, Class, Trainer, and Jockey to create an odds line.

In the Presidential Mule Race, the necessary qualities are: Money, History, Campaign Management, and Candidate Delivery.

By candidate delivery I mean the ability to present oneself as a viable president. How presidential can this person be and will he or she be presidential when it counts? Think of the ability to get the final 10 feet in an all-out sprint in the Olympics and you get the idea.

First, the Repubs:

Fred Thompson - -

Thompson can't really act. So, I'm not buying that he's going to "tear it up" in the debates. He's a fictional character created by the media who always looks tired and doesn't seem to have much of a clue about anything. He's against abortion, talks tough on defense, but has no ideas. No real history. Bad campaign management, looks like he's about fall asleep on stage. Boring, boring, boring...

Odds to Win: 500 to 1

Rudy Giuliani - -

The man squints more than a mole under a heat lamp. He does appear to have a strong campaign team, but he just feels like he's waiting for some big political bomb to drop on him - - like, maybe, the police union has some special dirt on Rudy. He also looks small and sickly and that's not good. He can speak okay, but it's not too hard to get under his skin which some of the others on this list can definitely do. Plus, his name sounds funny like someone named Tony Soprano needs to give him dental floss and have him pop the head off a parakeet. He's more likable than Freddy T., but I wouldn't bet the farm on this early front-runner.

Odds to Win: 50 to 1

Mitt Romney - -

It's hard to trust a guy who sometimes smirks too much and gives all of his money to a church - - wait, we've all ready done that twice. The "slick" label well help him in a national debate and his campaign team is solid. Love his looks and is definitely the "Tom Brady" of the bunch. Getting more money and if you think the Mormon Church really uses all of their funds to sell cans of Pepsi you are sorely mistaken! Has a solid, solid chance to blow this thing up!

Odds to Win: 6 to 1

Mike Huckabee - -

Smart, knows what to say, good campaign management, comes from the South, gives a good account of himself, did his state proud, getting more and more money every day, and the most moderate of the Republicans. Also, Huck's got the "awe-shucks" going for him. That could hurt him, or it could help him. Too late too change his name. So, I'm making his odds higher than they would be if his name were Mike "White".

Odds to Win: 8 to 1

John McCain - -

Boy, did this guy blow it or what? He has no chance unless he can get those powers from that Japanese kid on Heroes and screw-up the space/time continuum

Odds to Win: Who Cares?

Now, the Dems:

Chris Dodd - -

Everything you want in a president which means he will lose because his campaign management just isn't what you need and he doesn't have enough money to take out Hillary "Call Me Dude" Clinton. Has started to look tired lately as well. I love the guy, but I can't endorse a wager on him.

Odds to Win: 250 to 1

Joseph Biden - -

Another guy who would make a good president, but he doesn't know how to shut-up. I mean, I think black people are clean too, and white people, and most other folk. I think most people who have the ability to take showers are clean. Jesus, Joe! Get it together! Oh, yeah, it's too late...

Odds to Win: 1,000 to 1

John Edwards - -

From the South, has a lot of friends, smart wife, good in debates - - so why isn't this guy leading the field? One reason, his campaign management team didn't learn anything from last time. He's a dead fish in a large pond and, unfortunately, most of the country sees him as this race's Al Gore - - good guy but should probably coming up with philosophical treatise's instead of running for president.

Odds to Win: 100 to 1

Barack Obama - -

Would make too honest of a president and I think that makes people nervous. Should have a more littered past for us real human beings to relate to. The smartest guy out there and has the best speaking skills, but doesn't really lay down the law the way we all expected him to do it. Can get caught in a pickle if he isn't prepared and let's be honest - - Hillary scares the hell out of him. So, what would Kim Jong Il do to the guy? I'm not sure if the nation has a problem with his color, I definitely don't. Nor do I care about his name. He's got a wuss streak in him though, and I think that's going to bury him in the end.

Odds to Win: 50 to 1

Hillary Clinton - -

Hillary Clinton is like Secretariat in the 1973 Belmont. Give her a lead and it's all over but the shouting! Literally! Unless Huckabee or Romney find a way, we're looking at the first female president in the history of the United States? Why? First, she's got the greatest campaign manager in United States history - - Billy Clinton. Then, she's got the most generous friends in United States history that will keep pumping money into her campaign until she raises her right hand and places her left on the Bible in January 2008. Finally, to quote Austin Powers, "That not a woman, baby - - that's a man, baby!!" That's right. Hillary will win because her gonads are bigger than anybody else's on this list. Fuggedaboutit.

Odds to Win: 3 to 5