Beware: Children Who Learn Bunny Talk More Likely to Become Terrorists

Washington-In a public announcement Friday morning, renowned cultural scientist Sir Glenn Blehk warned parents and teachers about the dangers of Bunny Talk electives, claiming that children who learn Bunny Talk are 75% more likely to don bunny costumes, join Bunny terror cells, and eventually wage Bunny war against America's precious gardens.

Sir Blehk's announcement comes amid a brewing controversy concerning the rise in Bunny Talk electives being offered at public schools. As of February 2011, 95% of American high schools now offer Bunny Talk electives, the most common being Bunny Talk 101: What's Up, Doc; Bunny Talk 102: Locating Pristine Gardens; Bunny Talk 103: Uprooting Tasty Carrots; and Bunny Talk 104: Waging Bunny Jihad.

"It's all part of President Barak Hussein Obama, former President George W. Bush, and Bunny leader Bugs Bunny's plan to implement a New World Bunny Garden," Sir Blehk explained to reporters during the announcement, while using a chalkboard to draw the three aforementioned individuals and then connect them to one another with crooked lines. "Groups from the hardcore socialist and Communist left have joined forces with the Bunnies because they are a common enemy of gardeners and people who like carrot cake."

Sir Blehk claims that the Bunnies' hope is to topple the carrot cake industry, which, according to a statement released by Bugs Bunny in late 2010, "has left thousands of my brothers and sisters without enough carrots to eat." A representative from the World Food Programme confirmed Bugs' allegations, noting that in 2010 alone, over 250,000 Bunnies died from lack of nourishment.

"They think that by destroying the carrot cake industry, they can force the government into building them their own carrot garden," said Beck, a scowl quickly forming on his face. "And since these cowards are too afraid to wage war by themselves, they're essentially employing our children to do it for them."

Ever since former President Bush took office in 2001, over 2,500 new child terrorist organizations have formed across the country. The majority of them are believed to be directly linked to the Bunny Jihad movement, though a small subset is tied to the equally dangerous Yogi Bear Jihad movement, which seeks to halt reruns of 'The Yogi Bear Show' on the basis that they're insulting to bears.

One such child terrorist is twelve-year-old Elizabeth Hasselblehk (no relation to Sir Glenn Blehk), who, according to her mother, fled their home in Memphis mid November 2010.

"My husband and I thought that letting little Lizzy take Bunny Talk electives would give her a chance to expand her horizon and learn about another culture," said Elizabeth's mother, dabbing tears from her eyes. "But something . . . something happened, and Lizzy starting changing for the worst."

She continued, "Then Halloween came around, and she begged us to buy her a bunny outfit. We obliged, thinking it would distract her from Bunny Talk. But it only pushed her further down the road of fanaticism."

The FBI, which has been tracking Elizabeth, said that after she finished Bunny Talk 104 in mid November, she fled to Bugs Bunny's hidden compound, where she was taught Advanced Bunny Talk. Soon after, she formed her own terror network and began tutoring other children who were interested in becoming Bunny Jihadists.

Elizabeth has since garnered a position on the FBI's Most Wanted Terrorists list alongside other notable Bunny Jihadists like Bugs Bunny, the Bionic Bunny, and Oswald 'the Lucky' Rabbit, who was convicted in 2008 of killing a gardener, but managed to 'luckily' flee before he could be sentenced.

"We tried to arrest Elizabeth two weeks ago, but she scampered off so fast that we lost her," said FBI agent Leroy Stone.

"Then two days later we received a letter from her that said, 'Gee, ain't I a stinker?'" he added, frustratedly banging his fist into his desk.

Sadly, Elizabeth is merely one of tens of thousands of young children who have become seduced by Bunny Talk and Bunny Jihad. According to Sir Glenn Blehk, if America doesn't ban Bunny Talk electives and start persecuting Bunnies outright, there may soon come a time when such delicacies like carrot cake, baby carrots, and Carrot Top shows become just mere memories from the past.

"I just can't bear to think of it anymore," said Sir Blehk. "Take me now, Jesus!"

F.I.N.