Beware These Seven Non-Apology Strategies

Here are some classic non-apologies I can use to get back into your good graces without having to admit any real fault and repent. These strategies are well known and practiced by the malignant narcissist and other wicked people, as a wicked person will never, ever truly apologize and repent. Instead, he will try to deceive you into thinking he has apologized or that he is repentant in order to get you back, when in reality that is the furthest from the truth. Not everyone who uses these non-apologies is what we might label "wicked", but I would be wary of anyone who consistently uses these to get themselves out of trouble.

Non-Apology Strategy #1: Use time as my ally
One way I can get myself out of this situation is to cut off fellowship with you for several weeks or even months, and then contact you and say "I miss you and I'm sorry how things ended between us. It's not good for Christians/relatives/etc. to be out of fellowship. Can we be friends again?" Because it seems hard-hearted or even "unChristian" of you to bring up the broken mug after such a long period of time, you agree to meet with me again and "be friends." I "win" because I never have to specifically apologize for breaking your mug.

Non-Apology Strategy #2: Buy you off
I can get out of having to admit I did something wrong by buying you off. All I need to do is to buy you a new coffee mug or take you out to dinner or buy that perfect gift for you, without bringing up my temper tantrum. My goal is to manipulate you into an atmosphere of reconciliation so you'll feel like you have to drop your complaint against me because you accepted my gift. Again, I "win" because I never had to apologize.

Non-Apology Strategy #3: Be general, not specific
Even though I don't really believe I've done anything wrong in breaking your coffee mug (you deserved it, for making me mad), to get you off my back, I may decide to throw you a bone by making a general admission of guilt. "I'm sorry if in my emotional distress I ever damaged any of your possessions." Note the use of "if", "ever" and the use of "any of your possessions." By being general and not specific in time and place (ie. "I'm so sorry that I lost my temper and broke your favorite coffee mug on Saturday.") I diffuse any accountability I have for my actions to the point that it is meaningless. Because I used the magic words "I'm sorry", you may easily be fooled into thinking that I'm actually repentant and go back into relationship with me.

Non-Apology Strategy #4: Blame the victim
This is a great way to turn the tables and put you on the defensive. If I can get you focused on your actions and motives and not on mine, I've won. "I never would have broken your mug if you hadn't made me angry. Now that I understand how skilled you are at pushing my buttons I'll do better." Notice that I'm ultimately blaming you for the broken mug, as you were the one who made me angry.

Non-Apology Strategy #5: Deflect
This strategy works like the previous in that if I can get you to focus on your own failings and not on mine, I don't have to apologize. This is very easy to do, since most people do have some sort of past you can dig up and use against them. "Yeah, like you have any right to get upset at me for breaking your mug. You have a temper, too, you know. You were just yelling at the paper boy yesterday, I heard you!" And then the issue moves to which of us has the worse temper and I never have to deal with the specifics of breaking your mug.

Non-Apology Strategy #6: Explain
All I have to do to succeed at this strategy is to explain why it wasn't my fault that the mug was broken, I was victim of circumstances. "You have no idea what kind of day I had! My boss was after me, and then traffic was horrible, and then here you were getting on my case, too. If you had had the day I had, you would have been tossing cups around, too!" I get to blame everyone else for my loss of temper; I don't have to take any responsibility at all.

Non-Apology Strategy #7: Distort Reality
This one is tricky, because it requires that I make you doubt yourself. For this one to work, I probably need to wait a couple days before contacting you because I need the clarity of your memories to fade. All I need to do now is distort reality, just a touch, and get you to believe my version, instead of the true one. Because if I can get you to believe my version of reality, I don't have to admit any wrong doing. "I am sorry that your mug was broken, but that really wasn't my intent. I could see that things were getting heated up between us, so I tried to put the mug away to protect it. Unfortunately as I was doing so, it slipped out of my hand and broke. I know that mug was very important to you and I never would have intentionally tried to damage it." If you are an insecure person and/or sincerely want to be back into relationship with me, you might be willing to accept my version of reality and therefore give up having any expectation of a true apology from me.

Now that you've been educated on some of the non-apologies out there, be wary and wise! If after reading or hearing a supposed apology you still feel uneasy in your spirit, consider that you may not have really been on the receiving end of an apology, after all, but instead someone is trying to manipulate you to get their own way. Assuming you are not a naturally bitter and unforgiving person, a sincere apology should make you feel better, not worse, and should bring a true peace and resolution to your conflict.

So that I can end this article on a positive and not a negative note, I'll just mention briefly how I believe a sincerely repentant person would apologize in this coffee-mug-dashing scenario:

Firstly he would respond fairly quickly, probably within a day or so, and say something like: "I'm so sorry that I broke your favorite coffee mug on Saturday. It was wrong of me to lose my temper like that. I hope you can forgive me." He would then either hand you a new coffee mug or a gift card to Starbucks, to make true amends. In the days that followed, you would see that he was making some sincere efforts to better rein in and control his temper when conflicts arose.

Blessings!

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Blog Narcissists Suck: Non-Apologies