Bigotry Made Easy

In this hectic, fast-paced world in which we live, strangers often come up to me and ask, "Hey Frank, is there a quick and easy way for me to judge other people without knowing anything about them?"

I usually respond with, "Sure. There are a number of ways of making snap judgments, you lazy piece of crap!"

Never is this more important than at election time. The truth is most Americans don't have time to read newspapers or watch debates--especially when such activities cut into their sitting around the house, drinking beer, and watching NASCAR time. So as a service to you, here is a quick lesson on how to judge people without having to deal with the whole "listening and paying attention to them" thing.

The first and most obvious way is based upon the way a person looks. Here are some easy ones that I use every day:

When I see a fat woman, I know that she has low self-esteem and feeds her insecurities with donuts and Haagen-Dazs.

When I see a skinny woman, I know that she has low self-esteem and feeds her insecurities with donuts and Haagen-Dazs, then pukes it up.

When I see a tall, sexy blonde, I know that she is dumb as a box of rocks, and then I buy her a drink.

There are other telltale signs. For instance, if you see a man without an Adam's apple, he used to be a chick. If you see a woman with an Adam's apple, her name is Ann Coulter.

Then there is skin color. Some are no-brainers: black skin means black person; white skin means white person. But some are much trickier. Breeding between the two races has resulted in skin colors that are becoming less-and-less defined. For instance, Barack Obama, the Democratic Party's candidate for president, has a white mother and a black father. His skin is darker than that of most white people who don't live in Beverly Hills, but is much lighter than that of say, Bill "Bojangles" Robinson from the old Shirley Temple movies we white folks all love so much. Man that big guy could dance!

And that brings us to what is fast becoming the best and most sure fire way of judging people: names.

The only problem with names is that they are not as apparent as skin color. It's true that we may assume that a white guy's first name is probably something like Todd or Chad or Jason, but it isn't so easy to tell if the last name is Goldberg or Mazzerelli or Sczyzymyski. So we don't really know if he is a rich lawyer, a member of the Mafia, or just another dumb Polack.

But, once you know the name, you know the person. A guy named Goober is a dumb hillbilly with no teeth. A guy named Jamal is in a street gang and listens to gansta rap. A guy named Javier is an illegal alien and is great at landscaping. A girl named Bambi is a stripper at Diamonds Gentlemen's Club on North Ave. in Chicago.

The name Barack Hussein Obama tells us everything we need to know about him. Despite Obama's insistence that he is a Christian, and his opponent John McCain's assurance that Obama is a good family man, we know better than that. A man named Barack Hussein Obama can only be one thing: an A-Rab. And there ain't no way no A-Rab is a good family man--they's all god-dang terrorists!

I do have to warn you that on rare occasions, the name does not tell the whole story. By the sound of his name, I had feared that maybe George W. Bush was some kind of a shrub, or even worse, a big pile of pubic hair. But after Mr. Bush took office, it was just a matter of time before I realized he is neither of those things. He is simply an idiot.

Looks like a big pile of pubic hair would have worked out better for us.