Bill O'Reilly Challenges Thuggish Play in College Basketball

A Parody Bill O'Reilly Talking Points Memo

Brian Allen
Hi, I'm Bill O'Reilly. Thank you for watching.

Thuggish play on the college basketball court - that is the subject of tonight's Talking Points Memo.

In recent weeks, there's been a fair amount of attention given to the physical defensive play directed at North Carolina's star player, Tyler Hansbrough. A powerful low post player, Hansbrough has proven difficult, and in some cases, impossible for opposing teams to stop. As a result, several teams have chosen to push the envelope with physical, some would argue, abusive play. Georgia Tech exemplified this strategy by throwing waves of bodies at Hansbrough. Several big men hacked, slapped, scratched and basically beat the All-American like a rented mule. Several other teams - Clemson and Kent State, for example - have also done their best to pound Hansbrough into submission.

The thuggish play is not without consequence. Hansbrough exited several games due to open cuts and one with a concussion. After the Georgia Tech game, he resembled a bloodied fighter after a full twelve rounds. And the abuse is nothing new. Last season, Hansbrough played the final two weeks with a mask after having his nose broken by a brutal elbow thrown by Duke Gerald Henderson, and he had to undergo a root canal during the off season.

While this type of violent play is unacceptable, there is a larger issue at play here: a growing acceptance of unfair and abusive tactics to combat success in this country.

In today's society, all is fair when confronting success and excellence. No one knows this better than yours truly. As everyone knows, we here at the Factor dominate the cable news ratings. Night after night, we simply crush our so called competition. What we do to the likes of CNN and MSNBC makes Hansbrough's slam dunk finishes pale in comparison.

Similarly, I maintain a work ethic much like Hansbrough's. Just think, for example, how many times I have allowed my weekly guest hosts to interrupt my three day weekends so that I could share my sage and omniscient perspectives when news breaks on a Friday night.

Well, this kind of success and work ethic breeds contempt. As a result, I endure daily abuse from left wing bomb throwers and right wing luns alike. Day in and day out the smear merchants say and write despicable untruths in an effort to undermine my tremendous popularity. And the real injustice is there's nothing I can do about it because the First Amendment gives these pinheads full protection to say or write whatever they please.

Talking points believes the abuse hurled against this program, and your humble correspondent in particular, is far worse than the aggressive play that Tyler Hansbrough faces. That's not to diminish Hansbrough's predicament. Far from it. I once played basketball as a high school student in a very competitive Levittown neighborhood. I'm also a tall and physically imposing man, and I was frequently chosen first or second in pickup games. Many times, smaller and less physically gifted players tried to neutralize my low post skills with physical play. So I know what it is like to play hard nosed basketball. But in a far broader sense, because I am such a perfect and all-powerful man, I am subjected to unthinkable abuse that the Tyler Hansbroughs of the world will never see.

The bottom line is this: abusive tactics have no place in collegiate athletics. But the lies and distortions cast at celebrities are a far greater evil. And that's the memo.

Published by Brian Allen

I am a practicing trial attorney and a sports enthusiast. I have published one sports parody book.  View profile

2 Comments

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  • Brian Allen5/29/2009

    To Elis, with love: whether Hansbrough is being treated fairly is really not the point of this spoof column.

  • elvis5/29/2009

    Using Hansbrough is a really poor example. Players have resorted to physical play against him out of necessity. Not because he's that good but because TH creates contact constantly and he's protected by the refs and has been since he was a freshman. As a result, players were not allowed to play defense against Tyler. If you breathed hard on him, he would be sent to the foul line. Tyler would cause contact and get the call then flip up that ugly push shot. He's end up with an and 1. How do you combat that? It's simple, if TH is going to be at the line anyway, you make your fouls count. Either you let him hit you and he goes to the line (after making the shot) or you hammer him to punish him for having this unfair advantage and you don't let him make the shot. Thuggish play is what happens when there's one set of rules for one guy and a different set for everyone else. TH set the record for the most free throws ever taken. Refs fell in love with him as freshman and protected

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